Archive for month: January, 2014

3D rendering of a GPS navigation system

One Simple Way to Improve Marital Problems, Family Conflict, & Communication in Relationships

Ever get really impatient waiting for an answer to a question?

I know a lot of people like this (you know, like me). Unfortunately, this impatience causes problems.

Let’s take Jake, a student with whom I work. One of his teachers had a frustrating experience with him. The teacher asked him a question. Jake looked at him and said…nothing.

The teacher checked in with me about the student, commenting, “there’s not much up there. That kid just stares at you like you have two heads or something.”

There are innumerable reasons I found this disturbing. What bothered me most was that he was wrong.

Ever Think If Your Partner Would Just Give You a Second You Would Have Less Marital Problems?

Now, I will admit that he does have this blank look on his face while he’s thinking.

I’m sure you’ve seen that look on your wife, husband, parent, or child at some point.

For me, that look is like waiting for a GPS system to figure out directions after a wrong turn, monotonously repeating recalculating, recalculating, recalculating.

Yet Jake, like any good GPS unit, arrives at a sound answer after the extended period of recalculating. In fact, he has a lot of things to say. It just takes him a little extra time to process information and figure out what he wants to say, and how he wants to say it.

There is something about waiting for a response from someone that is exceptionally hard for many people.

There may be a range of reasons but one that I see time and again is this: an inability to tolerate silence.

What the Teacher Missed Due to His Impatience With Jake

The educator was asking Jake if he could stay after for extra help and prepare for an upcoming test.

Jake was having a bad day. He had gotten in a fight with his mother in the morning. He received a detention an hour earlier for tardiness. He did not have a ride home. If he had stayed for the detention he would have had to walk over an hour — in the rain.

Jake was trying to process all of this information — the insecurity he felt about needing extra academic help, the conflict with his mother, and his transportation issues.

How do I know this?

Because after I spoke with the teacher, I checked in with him. I asked him how he was doing.

And I waited.

But I HATE It!

Silence, that is.

If you truly want to understand someone use a strategy that teachers are taught to use in the classroom. Give “wait time.”

If the teacher waits 5-10 seconds someone will eventually raise their hand and answer (the student group can’t tolerate silence either!).

It is too bad the teacher did not apply this technique during his private chat with Jake. Just imagine what the teacher may have learned!

More importantly, imagine what you are missing by not waiting for an answer when you are arguing with your spouse or irritable with your teenager.

Wait time is an under-rated element of effective communication. Wait time gives people time to process information, react emotionally, and figure out how to articulate thoughts and feelings. It can be a powerful tool to help marital problems.

I have written about how helpful “being curious” can be to effective communication. The reality is that curiosity only helps if you give people the time they need to properly respond to what you are asking of them.

Allow people — like your spouse, parent or child — to finish recalculating, recalculating, recalculating…and you may be amazed at what you can learn.

What other strategies would you recommend for waiting patiently for someone to respond to you?

a family quarrel divorce parents and child

How to Love Your Kids More Than Despise Your Ex

There is a family judge in Massachusetts who makes decisions for children of divorce every day. She has a sign hanging on her door that reads:
Do You Hate Your Ex More Than You Love Your Kids?

Provocative question, right?

You might be thinking “of course I don’t — that’s just ridiculous!” Maybe you are even offended by the suggestion.

So why then would a judge so brazenly post this message?

After all, the chances are that if you are separated or divorced you are working hard to do the best you can to protect your kids from any harm stemming from the breakup. Your intentions are probably in the right place.

Sadly, sometimes intentions are not enough. Too often negative unintended harm comes to children of divorce because of the conflict, tension, or even ill will that exists between exes.

How Parents Make the Effects of Divorce on Children of Divorce Even Worse

Since this article started by posing the judge’s provocative statement, let me ask another provocative set of questions: If divorced parents love their kids more than hate their ex, then why do so many co-parents…

  • Complain on the phone to their friends about their ex within earshot of the kids, or….
  • Fail to buy a Mother’s or Father’s day card for the child to give to the other parent, or…
  • Dig for information from their child about the other parent’s social life, or…
  • Roll their eyes when the child tells them about something the other parent said or did, or…
  • Ask the child to choose between attending an activity with Mom or attending another equally enticing activity with Dad, or…
  • Have their child pass messages on from one parent to the other parent, or…
  • Argue at pick-up and drop-off with the ex, or…
  • Fight endlessly over a parenting schedule leaving the child in uncertain limbo about the future plan, or…
  • Litigate endlessly to stick it to the ex, or…

Before you react defensively please take a breath. Seriously. I am NOT suggesting you are a bad parent if you can relate to any of these examples. These are common behaviors among divorced parents and let’s admit it, the judge’s question contains quite a bit of hyperbole. But it certainly got your attention, right?

How Parents CAN Decrease the Negative Effects of Divorce on Children of Divorce

Now, let’s do a reframe. Let’s say that it is clear that a parent loves their kids more than they hate their ex, and we know that because they:

  • Make sure to never complain about the parent within earshot of the children…
  • Go out of the way to make sure their child honors the other parent’s birthday and Mother’s and Father’s Day
  • Never use the children as a source to get information about the other parent…
  • Listen attentively and without judgment when the children are talking about the other parent…
  • Never ask the children to choose between Mom and Dad…
  • Communicate directly with the parent rather than having the children pass messages back and forth…
  • Behave politely with the other parent during pick-up and drop-off…
  • Establish a parenting plan in a timely manner that is geared to the child’s best interest rather than the parent’s…
  • Improve communication and decrease conflict by working with a divorce mediator, rather than litigate…

The bottom line is that kids of separated, divorced or never-married parents are hyper-aware of and sensitive to the relationship dynamics between their parents. When you get angry, frustrated, exasperated, furious, indignant and outraged at your ex, please remember this:
You Love Your Kids More Than You Hate Your Ex!

Remembering this could be the best thing you’ve ever done for your kids.

Please REPLY below to share other strategies that can minimize the negative effects for children of divorce!