Posts
How to Divorce Online During Covid-19: Free Online Mediation Checklist
Resolving divorce and family conflicts are more important now than ever during Covid-19. Thankfully, we live in an age of sophisticated technology. Zoom online mediation brings the mediation room to you!
I have provided virtual remote mediation for many years to accommodate clients living in different locations. And I have learned a lot about what makes for a successful Zoom mediation.
Online Divorce During Covid-19: Do’s and Don’ts
DO Plan Ahead
Mediating stressful conflict occurs best when you are comfortable, free of distractions, and have what you need to keep yourself calm. To that end, consider:
Location: Where can I have the most privacy? My bedroom? My office? My car? The basement?
Minimizing Distractions: Where will the kids be? What can they be doing outside of earshot? What about the dog?
Timing: How can I avoid needing to multi-task? Should I cook before or after? Can I clear my work calendar for two hours?
Comfort — Physically and Emotionally: What do I need to be comfortable? Can I fill up my water bottle in advance? Do I need something to fidget with? If I’m living with my spouse should we be together? Or separate rooms on different devices?
Preparation: Should I have paper and pen to take notes? Have I printed out forms that I need? Do I have a calculator available?
Technology: Am I familiar with Zoom (click here for Zoom tutorials)? Should I do a test call? Where do I have the strongest Wi-Fi connection? What device am I going to use? Do I need to start my video and audio settings?
;
When Divorcing Online, Avoid…
Driving: Believe it or not, zoom driving happens. It’s dangerous! And distracting. If your car is the most private spot make sure you’re parked.
Being too Informal: It can be easy to loosen boundaries in the comfort of your own home. Remember, mediation typically occurs in a formal conference room — aim to present yourself as you would in my office!
Drinking Alcohol: In the comfort of your home it might be tempting to have a drink while mediating — if you wouldn’t do it in my office, don’t do it at home during mediation. It will interfere with your decision-making and compromise the process.
Inflammatory/Intimidating Backgrounds: Do not fiddle with weapons, cut vegetables with a sharp knife, have a photo of your new significant other in the background, or expose the other party to things that will increase tension, stress, and obstacles to good-faith negotiation.
A Word about Kids and Online Divorce Mediation During Covid-19
Mediating from home is hard, particularly for parents. Remember, it is in your kids’ best interest they are not exposed to:
- Financial matters between parents
- Court and legal matters between parents
- Conflict, tension, and arguing between their parents
Make sure your kids are engaged in an activity out of ear-shot. If necessary, let me know that you need to take breaks to check-in with your kids..or if your kids walk in the room unexpectedly!
Balancing parenting, work, and a divorce from home is a tall-task. Part of my job is to make the process work for you — and that includes making adjustments so that online divorce and family mediation is as effective as in-person mediation!
What other recommendations do you have for how to mediate divorce during Covid-19 online? Please leave a comment!
Move Ahead with your Divorce During COVID-19: Zoom Remote Divorce Mediation
Email from divorce mediation client:
“Ben, looks like we will have to postpone our divorce mediation with the Coronavirus and everything going on. We’ll be in touch.”
In the last week during the Covid-19 stay-at-home orders I have received multiple emails just like this one.
Zoom to the Rescue!
I am happy to report that family and divorce mediation can continue during the Covid-19 era using Zoom remote video conferencing.
In fact, I have provided Zoom remote divorce mediation for years for out-of-state clients. Other times I have provided zoom remote mediation for clients who do not want to be physically in the same room together but see the benefit of communicating and negotiating directly.
Benefits of Remote Video Conference Divorce Mediation
Zoom remote divorce mediation is effective because:
- Clear Communication: Participants can see each other’s body language, hear tone, read facial expressions, just like in-person meetings
- Private Session Options: The mediator can still move to confidential private sessions during a longer mediation using “breakout room” features
- Document Review: Everyone can look at, review, and fill out documents together using “screen-sharing” features
Additional benefits to Zoom remote divorce and family mediation include:
- Comfort: Parties can make themselves comfortable in their homes or offices. Some mediate from couches, desks, and even outside on their patio on a nice day
- Time-Saver: Remote mediation eliminates travel time
- Flexible Scheduling: I am able to offer more flexible scheduling options since I too (during Covid-19 in particular) can meet earlier or later in the day without worry about commuting issues
Stay-at-home orders during Covid-19 do not need to slow down your divorce negotiation, or your efforts to resolving family conflict.
Email response to client:
“I hope you and your family are healthy and faring well during this challenging time. I have mediated over video conference for many years. Would you like to learn more about how that works so you can continue to make progress with your mediation?”
While some parents lament how much screen-time their kids have we can be grateful that “screen-time” can help mediation clients continue to move forward with their lives!
Ping-Pong Arguments: Two Tips for Dealing with Family Conflict Inspired by the Divorce Mediation Process
There are some great concepts that mediators use in the mediation process that can be applied right at home. Let’s break down mediator jargon to make it useful for dealing with family conflict.
My way or the highway doesn’t work well in the divorce mediation process, and it won’t in your home either…
Positions:
Many clients come in to mediation with a shared problem but opposing ideas for how to solve the problem.
A position is a client’s stance and perspective on an issue.
Why care about positions?
Positions can be helpful as starting points in a negotiation.
However, resolving disputes becomes very difficult when people become stuck in their position.
I have an ongoing parenting mediation that has created its own verbiage.
The two parents often get stuck arguing about positions. At these times I ask if they are back playing ping-pong, pounding their position over the net harder and harder in a heated ping-pong deadlock.
If either agrees they step back, take some breathes, and accept that the discussion is not even remotely helpful!
They put down the rackets and try another game.
Examples of “Positions” in a Typical Household
Example #1:
Wife: I want the kids to go to public school.
Husband: I want the kids to go to private school.
Example #2:
Parent: You are not going to that party Saturday night.
Teenager: There’s no way you’re stopping me from going to the party Saturday night.
There are only two possible outcomes here:
1. Someone wins and someone loses.
And the impact of this? Relationship destruction.
2. Stalemate.
And the impact of this? Relationship destruction.
If my way or the highway doesn’t work, how does the divorce mediation process create an “our way?”
Interests:
Behind every position lies a complex web of motivations, concerns, desires, goals, values and belief systems.
Interests are someone’s true motives – the “stuff” that is most important to them – and the needs that underlie their positions.
Why do we care about interests?
For one, it’s much harder to play ping-pong with interests.
You see, positions are a potential solution to a problem.
Interests, on the other hand, are the problems needing solutions.
In ping-pong, there is only one undeniable, satisfied, and powerful victor.
Once the discussion is about interests — the “important stuff” — there are far more ways for both to get their interests met.
End the ping-pong game, and there is hope for two undeniable, satisfied, and powerful victors.
Mediators call this the “win-win.”
Examples of “Interests” in a Typical Household
Example #1:
Wife: I’m worried about money and figure we are already paying property tax – why pay two tuitions?
(Interest = financial security)
Husband: I hated public school. I don’t want the kids to feel lost in the shuffle like I did.
(Interest = engaging and inclusive educational experience for the kids)
They now know the issues involve the wife’s financial insecurity and the husband’s fear of the children having a horrible school experience.
Now they can get down to work and explore the vast alternative ways to ensure financial security AND increase the chances their children have a great educational experience.
Maybe they explore school choice, or charter schools, or have a meeting with the principal, or explore loan options, or, or, or…
Example #2:
Parent: I keep hearing about kids driving drunk and I’m scared you’re going to get hurt.
(Interest = safety of her child)
Teenager: If I don’t go to this party I may lose my one chance to get together with Julieann. My friends have been all over me and they will think I wimped out. That I was scared.
(Interest = getting together with a girl and avoiding embarrassment)
A positional argument would result in yelling, tears, and relationship breakdown.
An interest-based discussion makes it possible to find ways to guarantee safe driving AND for the teenager save face and see Julieann.
Helping clients move from inflexible positions to underlying interests lies at the heart of mediation.
How does learning about the use positions and interests in the divorce mediation process help you think about your family conflicts?
LINKEDIN USERS: LinkedIn does not have the capability for your comments on LinkedIn groups to appear on the original blog post. If you are commenting on a LinkedIn group would you mind copying the comment directly on to the blog so my other readers can benefit from your ideas and reactions? Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
Top Tip to Transform Difficult Conversations
Two never-married parents in a child custody mediation despise one another.
They chose child custody mediation to push themselves to improve their communication and co-parenting.
They are practicing some classic communication strategies. Reflecting back what they are hearing to make sure they understand one another. Listening without interrupting. Even trying to validate feelings.
Amazing strategies.
The problem is they are incredibly defensive, getting caught in a vortex of claims and counter-claims.
It took me some time to figure out the reason for the continued defensiveness despite reflecting, validating and listening.
But figure it out I did!
And the culprit in this child custody mediation was…
Can you identify the culprit in these sample comments?
I understand you were sick. I really do. We all get sick. But you’re not only late when you’re sick…let’s be honest.
I appreciate that you’re stressed out by our arguing. But how do you think Johnny feels having to listen to you scream at me on the phone?
Both statements led to raised voices, blood pressure, and tension.
The culprit is a tiny thing. Three itsy-bitsy letters.
B-U-T
Yes, BUT…
Yes, but nothing!
Using BUT as your conjunction when giving someone feedback rarely works.
- BUT places the focus on the negative
- BUT conveys that the issue of concern is the most important part of what is said.
- BUT is a buzzword. It raises antennae. It draws attention. It does this because we know that it is setting the stage for a negative message.
- BUT often leads the speaker to a direct and confrontational style of communicating.
BUT what else am I supposed to say?
The solution is also a tiny thing. Three itsy-bitsy letters.
A-N-D
Sounds too good to be true, right?
Let’s take our examples from the child custody mediation and first imagine what kid of reaction the father receives using BUT.
Father: I appreciate that you’re stressed out by our arguing. But how do you think Johnny feels having to listen to you scream at me on the phone?
Mother: How dare you bring Johnny in to this! You didn’t hear anything I had to say, did you?
Now let’s replace BUT with AND see where it leads us.
Father: I appreciate that you’re stressed out by our arguing. And how do you think Johnny feels having to listen to you scream at me on the phone?
Sounds kind of weird, doesn’t it?
Worry not! The beauty of changing the conjunction is that it will lead the speaker to alter the rest of their sentence.
Here’s a more realistic replacement of the conjunction.
Father: I appreciate that you’re stressed out by our arguing. And I’m also worried that it’s also stressing out Johnny.
Mother: I’m worried that it’s stressing him out too. Of course it’s stressing him out!
BUT sounds like a rebuttal.
AND sounds like a continuation of the discussion.
Using AND forces the speaker to phrase ideas in a more open manner. It leads to “I statements” more than “You statements” (more on this in a future post!). And it generates far less defensiveness in the listener.
Sounds so easy but…I mean and…
I can tell you from personal experience that it is difficult to replace BUT with AND. Using BUT is ingrained in the way most people communicate. It is a habit, and habits can be hard to break.
A couple of suggestions:
- As an exercise, think through what you want to say using BUT. Then replace it with AND see how it affects what you say.
- Use “AND, AND, AND” as your mantra during difficult conversations until it becomes natural or automatic.
- Practice during inconsequential conversations. If you catch yourself using BUT, correct yourself. Make a mental note.
AND finally…how do you think changing conjunctions might help you?
Scroll down to comment!
LinkedIn Users: I know you have great things to say! Sadly, LinkedIn comments will not appear on my blog page. Please copy comments from the LinkedIn group to the comments section on the blog so my readers can benefit from your sage wisdom!
Shut Up To Improve Communication Skills! Marriage and Parenting Advice From a Family Mediator
I used to interview prospective staff for a residential treatment program before I became a family mediator.
Whenever I asked them to describe qualities that would make them a good child care worker I was invariably told something like, “I love to help people and I’m a GREAT listener.”
Yet, when I would walk in to a room while they were working with an upset resident I would hear their voice more than that of the student.
Hmm. Curious.
Do you know folks like these newly hired child care workers who proclaim to be great listeners but don’t act the part?
I bet you do.
Haven’t you noticed that lots of people who declare themselves to have great listening skills tend to:
- Dominate conversations
- Interrupt
- Talk about themselves…a lot
- Make assumptions about the other person
- Give advice very quickly
- Repeat themselves…repeatedly
Great listeners?
Nope.
These folks are great talkers!
A Truth About Communication Skills
Here’s the rub.
Talking at someone has nothing whatsoever to do with listening to someone.
The two are not even in the same ballpark!
Yet for some reason good talkers usually think they are good listeners.
These great talkers may like to help others.
Take the child care workers.
When they would tell me in their interviews that they wanted to help kids and were great listeners they were speaking from the heart. They truly meant it.
And when I talk about my dream of playing shooting guard for the Boston Celtics I mean it too! But just because I am motivated to play for the Celtics, I don’t have the shooting, passing or dribbling skills to pull it off (and if you know me, you’re probably laughing).
Helping requires skill too.
And one of the fundamentals is listening.
Listening is a skill that can help people far more powerfully than any amount of chatter.
Even if it’s well-intended chatter.
Look, let’s be honest with ourselves. Almost all of us from time to time could listen better. That goes for this divorce mediator as well!
Sometimes thinking we are a good listener is really code for being a great talker!
My Family Mediator Listening Litmus Test
If you hear yourself utter any of these phrases, consider them warning signs that your listening skills are of the talking variety.
- That happened to me when I…
- You know, all you need to do is…
- You’ll be fine…
- Oh, you’re not going to believe what happened to me last week…
- That reminds me of…
- I have a friend who went through the same thing and she…
See Yourself Here? How To Improve Communication Skills That Will Help Your Marriage and Parenting
If any variation of these type of statements come out of your mouth try one of the following tips:
- Shut your mouth! Seriously, STOP talking!
- Don’t assume you know what is going to be said and keep an open mind
- Don’t interrupt
- Ask a question for clarification purposes…only after the person pauses first
- Remind yourself that “it’s not about me right now” and focus on the other person
- Remember how crummy it feels when someone talks at you when you just need someone to listen
- Focus all of your energy on what the other person is saying, not on your watch or someone across the room
- Do not impose your solutions on the other person — if they want your suggestions they will ask
And then, after all of that, pause for a moment.
Take a breath.
And then take pride that you truly helped your kid or spouse.
What other suggestions do you have to improve listening skills?
If you comment below I promise to LISTEN, just as any good family mediator should!
LINKEDIN USERS: LinkedIn does not have the capability for your comments on LinkedIn groups to appear on the original blog post. if you are commenting on a LinkedIn group would you mind copying the comment directly on to the blog so my other readers can benefit from your ideas and reactions? Thank you for reading and commenting on my family mediator blog!
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How to Divorce Online During Covid-19: Free Online Mediation Checklist
Resolving divorce and family conflicts are more important now than ever during Covid-19. Thankfully, we live in an age of sophisticated technology. Zoom online mediation brings the mediation room to you!
I have provided virtual remote mediation for many years to accommodate clients living in different locations. And I have learned a lot about what makes for a successful Zoom mediation.
Online Divorce During Covid-19: Do’s and Don’ts
DO Plan Ahead
Mediating stressful conflict occurs best when you are comfortable, free of distractions, and have what you need to keep yourself calm. To that end, consider:
Location: Where can I have the most privacy? My bedroom? My office? My car? The basement?
Minimizing Distractions: Where will the kids be? What can they be doing outside of earshot? What about the dog?
Timing: How can I avoid needing to multi-task? Should I cook before or after? Can I clear my work calendar for two hours?
Comfort — Physically and Emotionally: What do I need to be comfortable? Can I fill up my water bottle in advance? Do I need something to fidget with? If I’m living with my spouse should we be together? Or separate rooms on different devices?
Preparation: Should I have paper and pen to take notes? Have I printed out forms that I need? Do I have a calculator available?
Technology: Am I familiar with Zoom (click here for Zoom tutorials)? Should I do a test call? Where do I have the strongest Wi-Fi connection? What device am I going to use? Do I need to start my video and audio settings?
;
When Divorcing Online, Avoid…
Driving: Believe it or not, zoom driving happens. It’s dangerous! And distracting. If your car is the most private spot make sure you’re parked.
Being too Informal: It can be easy to loosen boundaries in the comfort of your own home. Remember, mediation typically occurs in a formal conference room — aim to present yourself as you would in my office!
Drinking Alcohol: In the comfort of your home it might be tempting to have a drink while mediating — if you wouldn’t do it in my office, don’t do it at home during mediation. It will interfere with your decision-making and compromise the process.
Inflammatory/Intimidating Backgrounds: Do not fiddle with weapons, cut vegetables with a sharp knife, have a photo of your new significant other in the background, or expose the other party to things that will increase tension, stress, and obstacles to good-faith negotiation.
A Word about Kids and Online Divorce Mediation During Covid-19
Mediating from home is hard, particularly for parents. Remember, it is in your kids’ best interest they are not exposed to:
- Financial matters between parents
- Court and legal matters between parents
- Conflict, tension, and arguing between their parents
Make sure your kids are engaged in an activity out of ear-shot. If necessary, let me know that you need to take breaks to check-in with your kids..or if your kids walk in the room unexpectedly!
Balancing parenting, work, and a divorce from home is a tall-task. Part of my job is to make the process work for you — and that includes making adjustments so that online divorce and family mediation is as effective as in-person mediation!
What other recommendations do you have for how to mediate divorce during Covid-19 online? Please leave a comment!
Move Ahead with your Divorce During COVID-19: Zoom Remote Divorce Mediation
Email from divorce mediation client:
“Ben, looks like we will have to postpone our divorce mediation with the Coronavirus and everything going on. We’ll be in touch.”
In the last week during the Covid-19 stay-at-home orders I have received multiple emails just like this one.
Zoom to the Rescue!
I am happy to report that family and divorce mediation can continue during the Covid-19 era using Zoom remote video conferencing.
In fact, I have provided Zoom remote divorce mediation for years for out-of-state clients. Other times I have provided zoom remote mediation for clients who do not want to be physically in the same room together but see the benefit of communicating and negotiating directly.
Benefits of Remote Video Conference Divorce Mediation
Zoom remote divorce mediation is effective because:
- Clear Communication: Participants can see each other’s body language, hear tone, read facial expressions, just like in-person meetings
- Private Session Options: The mediator can still move to confidential private sessions during a longer mediation using “breakout room” features
- Document Review: Everyone can look at, review, and fill out documents together using “screen-sharing” features
Additional benefits to Zoom remote divorce and family mediation include:
- Comfort: Parties can make themselves comfortable in their homes or offices. Some mediate from couches, desks, and even outside on their patio on a nice day
- Time-Saver: Remote mediation eliminates travel time
- Flexible Scheduling: I am able to offer more flexible scheduling options since I too (during Covid-19 in particular) can meet earlier or later in the day without worry about commuting issues
Stay-at-home orders during Covid-19 do not need to slow down your divorce negotiation, or your efforts to resolving family conflict.
Email response to client:
“I hope you and your family are healthy and faring well during this challenging time. I have mediated over video conference for many years. Would you like to learn more about how that works so you can continue to make progress with your mediation?”
While some parents lament how much screen-time their kids have we can be grateful that “screen-time” can help mediation clients continue to move forward with their lives!
Ping-Pong Arguments: Two Tips for Dealing with Family Conflict Inspired by the Divorce Mediation Process
There are some great concepts that mediators use in the mediation process that can be applied right at home. Let’s break down mediator jargon to make it useful for dealing with family conflict.
My way or the highway doesn’t work well in the divorce mediation process, and it won’t in your home either…
Positions:
Many clients come in to mediation with a shared problem but opposing ideas for how to solve the problem.
A position is a client’s stance and perspective on an issue.
Why care about positions?
Positions can be helpful as starting points in a negotiation.
However, resolving disputes becomes very difficult when people become stuck in their position.
I have an ongoing parenting mediation that has created its own verbiage.
The two parents often get stuck arguing about positions. At these times I ask if they are back playing ping-pong, pounding their position over the net harder and harder in a heated ping-pong deadlock.
If either agrees they step back, take some breathes, and accept that the discussion is not even remotely helpful!
They put down the rackets and try another game.
Examples of “Positions” in a Typical Household
Example #1:
Wife: I want the kids to go to public school.
Husband: I want the kids to go to private school.
Example #2:
Parent: You are not going to that party Saturday night.
Teenager: There’s no way you’re stopping me from going to the party Saturday night.
There are only two possible outcomes here:
1. Someone wins and someone loses.
And the impact of this? Relationship destruction.
2. Stalemate.
And the impact of this? Relationship destruction.
If my way or the highway doesn’t work, how does the divorce mediation process create an “our way?”
Interests:
Behind every position lies a complex web of motivations, concerns, desires, goals, values and belief systems.
Interests are someone’s true motives – the “stuff” that is most important to them – and the needs that underlie their positions.
Why do we care about interests?
For one, it’s much harder to play ping-pong with interests.
You see, positions are a potential solution to a problem.
Interests, on the other hand, are the problems needing solutions.
In ping-pong, there is only one undeniable, satisfied, and powerful victor.
Once the discussion is about interests — the “important stuff” — there are far more ways for both to get their interests met.
End the ping-pong game, and there is hope for two undeniable, satisfied, and powerful victors.
Mediators call this the “win-win.”
Examples of “Interests” in a Typical Household
Example #1:
Wife: I’m worried about money and figure we are already paying property tax – why pay two tuitions?
(Interest = financial security)
Husband: I hated public school. I don’t want the kids to feel lost in the shuffle like I did.
(Interest = engaging and inclusive educational experience for the kids)
They now know the issues involve the wife’s financial insecurity and the husband’s fear of the children having a horrible school experience.
Now they can get down to work and explore the vast alternative ways to ensure financial security AND increase the chances their children have a great educational experience.
Maybe they explore school choice, or charter schools, or have a meeting with the principal, or explore loan options, or, or, or…
Example #2:
Parent: I keep hearing about kids driving drunk and I’m scared you’re going to get hurt.
(Interest = safety of her child)
Teenager: If I don’t go to this party I may lose my one chance to get together with Julieann. My friends have been all over me and they will think I wimped out. That I was scared.
(Interest = getting together with a girl and avoiding embarrassment)
A positional argument would result in yelling, tears, and relationship breakdown.
An interest-based discussion makes it possible to find ways to guarantee safe driving AND for the teenager save face and see Julieann.
Helping clients move from inflexible positions to underlying interests lies at the heart of mediation.
How does learning about the use positions and interests in the divorce mediation process help you think about your family conflicts?
LINKEDIN USERS: LinkedIn does not have the capability for your comments on LinkedIn groups to appear on the original blog post. If you are commenting on a LinkedIn group would you mind copying the comment directly on to the blog so my other readers can benefit from your ideas and reactions? Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
Top Tip to Transform Difficult Conversations
Two never-married parents in a child custody mediation despise one another.
They chose child custody mediation to push themselves to improve their communication and co-parenting.
They are practicing some classic communication strategies. Reflecting back what they are hearing to make sure they understand one another. Listening without interrupting. Even trying to validate feelings.
Amazing strategies.
The problem is they are incredibly defensive, getting caught in a vortex of claims and counter-claims.
It took me some time to figure out the reason for the continued defensiveness despite reflecting, validating and listening.
But figure it out I did!
And the culprit in this child custody mediation was…
Can you identify the culprit in these sample comments?
I understand you were sick. I really do. We all get sick. But you’re not only late when you’re sick…let’s be honest.
I appreciate that you’re stressed out by our arguing. But how do you think Johnny feels having to listen to you scream at me on the phone?
Both statements led to raised voices, blood pressure, and tension.
The culprit is a tiny thing. Three itsy-bitsy letters.
B-U-T
Yes, BUT…
Yes, but nothing!
Using BUT as your conjunction when giving someone feedback rarely works.
- BUT places the focus on the negative
- BUT conveys that the issue of concern is the most important part of what is said.
- BUT is a buzzword. It raises antennae. It draws attention. It does this because we know that it is setting the stage for a negative message.
- BUT often leads the speaker to a direct and confrontational style of communicating.
BUT what else am I supposed to say?
The solution is also a tiny thing. Three itsy-bitsy letters.
A-N-D
Sounds too good to be true, right?
Let’s take our examples from the child custody mediation and first imagine what kid of reaction the father receives using BUT.
Father: I appreciate that you’re stressed out by our arguing. But how do you think Johnny feels having to listen to you scream at me on the phone?
Mother: How dare you bring Johnny in to this! You didn’t hear anything I had to say, did you?
Now let’s replace BUT with AND see where it leads us.
Father: I appreciate that you’re stressed out by our arguing. And how do you think Johnny feels having to listen to you scream at me on the phone?
Sounds kind of weird, doesn’t it?
Worry not! The beauty of changing the conjunction is that it will lead the speaker to alter the rest of their sentence.
Here’s a more realistic replacement of the conjunction.
Father: I appreciate that you’re stressed out by our arguing. And I’m also worried that it’s also stressing out Johnny.
Mother: I’m worried that it’s stressing him out too. Of course it’s stressing him out!
BUT sounds like a rebuttal.
AND sounds like a continuation of the discussion.
Using AND forces the speaker to phrase ideas in a more open manner. It leads to “I statements” more than “You statements” (more on this in a future post!). And it generates far less defensiveness in the listener.
Sounds so easy but…I mean and…
I can tell you from personal experience that it is difficult to replace BUT with AND. Using BUT is ingrained in the way most people communicate. It is a habit, and habits can be hard to break.
A couple of suggestions:
- As an exercise, think through what you want to say using BUT. Then replace it with AND see how it affects what you say.
- Use “AND, AND, AND” as your mantra during difficult conversations until it becomes natural or automatic.
- Practice during inconsequential conversations. If you catch yourself using BUT, correct yourself. Make a mental note.
AND finally…how do you think changing conjunctions might help you?
Scroll down to comment!
LinkedIn Users: I know you have great things to say! Sadly, LinkedIn comments will not appear on my blog page. Please copy comments from the LinkedIn group to the comments section on the blog so my readers can benefit from your sage wisdom!
Shut Up To Improve Communication Skills! Marriage and Parenting Advice From a Family Mediator
I used to interview prospective staff for a residential treatment program before I became a family mediator.
Whenever I asked them to describe qualities that would make them a good child care worker I was invariably told something like, “I love to help people and I’m a GREAT listener.”
Yet, when I would walk in to a room while they were working with an upset resident I would hear their voice more than that of the student.
Hmm. Curious.
Do you know folks like these newly hired child care workers who proclaim to be great listeners but don’t act the part?
I bet you do.
Haven’t you noticed that lots of people who declare themselves to have great listening skills tend to:
- Dominate conversations
- Interrupt
- Talk about themselves…a lot
- Make assumptions about the other person
- Give advice very quickly
- Repeat themselves…repeatedly
Great listeners?
Nope.
These folks are great talkers!
A Truth About Communication Skills
Here’s the rub.
Talking at someone has nothing whatsoever to do with listening to someone.
The two are not even in the same ballpark!
Yet for some reason good talkers usually think they are good listeners.
These great talkers may like to help others.
Take the child care workers.
When they would tell me in their interviews that they wanted to help kids and were great listeners they were speaking from the heart. They truly meant it.
And when I talk about my dream of playing shooting guard for the Boston Celtics I mean it too! But just because I am motivated to play for the Celtics, I don’t have the shooting, passing or dribbling skills to pull it off (and if you know me, you’re probably laughing).
Helping requires skill too.
And one of the fundamentals is listening.
Listening is a skill that can help people far more powerfully than any amount of chatter.
Even if it’s well-intended chatter.
Look, let’s be honest with ourselves. Almost all of us from time to time could listen better. That goes for this divorce mediator as well!
Sometimes thinking we are a good listener is really code for being a great talker!
My Family Mediator Listening Litmus Test
If you hear yourself utter any of these phrases, consider them warning signs that your listening skills are of the talking variety.
- That happened to me when I…
- You know, all you need to do is…
- You’ll be fine…
- Oh, you’re not going to believe what happened to me last week…
- That reminds me of…
- I have a friend who went through the same thing and she…
See Yourself Here? How To Improve Communication Skills That Will Help Your Marriage and Parenting
If any variation of these type of statements come out of your mouth try one of the following tips:
- Shut your mouth! Seriously, STOP talking!
- Don’t assume you know what is going to be said and keep an open mind
- Don’t interrupt
- Ask a question for clarification purposes…only after the person pauses first
- Remind yourself that “it’s not about me right now” and focus on the other person
- Remember how crummy it feels when someone talks at you when you just need someone to listen
- Focus all of your energy on what the other person is saying, not on your watch or someone across the room
- Do not impose your solutions on the other person — if they want your suggestions they will ask
And then, after all of that, pause for a moment.
Take a breath.
And then take pride that you truly helped your kid or spouse.
What other suggestions do you have to improve listening skills?
If you comment below I promise to LISTEN, just as any good family mediator should!
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