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Child between parents trying to understand divorce

Your Kids and Divorce: Mediating a Child-First Divorce

What do kids and divorce negotiations have to do with one another?

A lot! (for parents).

Thinking about your kids could be the best decision you’ll make in your divorce negotiation.

Your Kids’ Shoes

I recently wrapped up a mediation that was a model child-centered divorce.

The parents weren’t buddies. They didn’t spend a lot of time together. They disagreed a lot during mediation.

In fact, they didn’t particularly like each other.

But they love their kids, and despite the obvious personal tension between them they embraced their redefined relationship: co-parents for life.

And they realized that to make a great parenting plan they needed some perspective.

Kids and Divorce Mediation

What kind of perspective?

Your kids!

Some would ask what a child’s perspective has to do with divorce negotiations, so let me explain.

The degree to which your parenting plan meets your children’s needs can profoundly affect how well they adapt to divorce.

My divorce mediation clients worked hard to put themselves in their children’s shoes and consider their perspective when crafting the parenting schedule, holiday division, and the many other parts of their parenting plan.

And the way in which they did this was usually subtle. They’d ask questions like:

She has all these activities…what kind of drop-off arrangement do we think would be least stressful for her?

You know, she’s really worried about the dog…would you ever consider having her bring the dog with her when she’s at your place?

He’s really anxious and worried about upsetting either of us…can we figure out how to explain the plan to him together? Maybe we can have a family meeting?

You know his friends are his life…we need to figure out a way to make sure we’re on the same page about play dates and birthday parties…

I think alternating Christmas, which is what I’d personally like to do, would be devastating for them…how can we make this work so it’s still special for them and not impossible for us?

Your Kids and Divorce…

Walking in your kids’ shoes for a moment can take the focus away from your spousal conflict and place it on what binds you most meaningfully: your children.

And will lead to a better child-centered parenting plan.

Illustration of chalkboard with text facts and crossed myths

Mediators Can Help HIGH Conflict: Fact or Fiction?

People tell me “I want to refer someone to you but they are really high conflict so there’s no way mediation could work for them.”

Then, I take a deep breathe, resist the urge to say something like “that doesn’t make sense!” and ask them to tell me about the situation.

FICTION: Mediators only works for couples who are amicable.

FACT: Mediation is a structured process that helps people in conflict come to resolution.

Mediators Say, Bring on the Conflict!

Divorcing spouses who hate each other?

Yup.

Co-parents who not have spoken face-to-face in years.

Yes.

Teenagers who “hate” their parents?

Uh-huh, that too.

Mediation is all about resolving conflict! Low conflict, high conflict, and everything in between.

Can mediation resolve all disputes? Of course not. But it sure can more than the public realizes.

Divorce Mediation Fiction

Conventional thinking about mediation is that it can’t work because the parties are:

  • Too combative
  • All about blame
  • Unwilling to consider another point of view
  • Resentful and vindictive

And this is just a sampling.

Challenging dynamics for sure.

Family Mediation Fact

I recently mediated a case with all those factors in play.

After nine months of paying attorneys thousands of dollars to try to settle and prepare for a trial these clients had made no progress. Not even one itty-bitty agreement.

As a last ditch effort to avoid a drawn-out ugly and exorbitantly expensive trial they tried mediation. The wife walked in and started the session by announcing that she has no confidence in the process, and this will likely be the first — and last — session.

Not an ideal starting point!

The tension was palpable.

It took some time, and lots of structure and intervention from me, but slowly they started to hear each other. They started to increase understanding of one another (NOTE: understanding is different than agreeing!). What started with hostility and blame often shifted to listening and problem-solving. And they started making decisions.

And the mediation fact is they successfully divorced.

The first step of any effective mediation must be two (or more) parties’ voluntary engagement in the process. Once engaged, family and divorce mediators have the skills and experience required to help folks navigate their disputes.

Mediators facilitate safe, constructive communication by:

  • Creating a safe and structured physical environment
  • Modelling and teaching effective communication skills
  • Helping clients stay calm
  • Guiding clients toward mutually satisfactory problem-solving (click here to learn more about positions and interests)
  • Teaching effective proposal-making approaches
  • and more….

Mediator Facts Matter…

My favorite mediations are those involving a high conflict situation. It’s when I have the greatest positive impact for my clients, and their children (if they have any).

In the end, having a skilled mediator increases the chances the parties will be able to:

  • Remain the decision-makers in their own dispute (particularly important with child-related matters)
  • Save a lot of money
  • Save a lot of time
  • Save a lot of heartache going through an adversarial litigation process
  • Improve their communication
  • Decrease long-term conflict
  • Move forward with certainty about the outcome of their conflict
  • Repair some or all of the relationship
  • And when children are involved, develop much better child-centered parenting plans (stay tuned for an upcoming post on mediating with parents in a high conflict relationship)

The FACT of the matter is this: Mediation IS an effective model for resolving high conflict disputes.

Woman looking at you and making a shush gesture

10 Tips to Avoid Sounding Like Charlie Brown’s Teacher | Improve Communication in Relationships

Ever been told you should listen more?

To wait before you respond?

To just shut up and just pay attention for a second?

To stop sounding like Charlie Brown’s teacher going wah-wa-wah-wa-wah…?

Solid advice, right?

Rubbish!

Or that’s what someone named Elissa wrote to me after reading one of my posts about communication in relationships.

She argued “too much emphasis and blame is placed on a lack of listening skills when much of the breakdown lies with the talker.”

Elissa threw down the gauntlet, insisting I write a post about talkers!

I will take on your challenge, Elissa.

Elissa’s point about communication in relationships

In the aforementioned post, I asked:

Haven’t you noticed that lots of people who declare that they have great listening skills tend to:

  • Dominate conversations
  • Interrupt
  • Talk about themselves…a lot
  • Make assumptions about the other person
  • Give advice very quickly
  • Repeat themselves…repeatedly

Great listeners? Nope. These folks are great talkers!

Except, to Elissa’s point, some of these folks are horrific talkers!

Talking is a way to convey information. To share thoughts, feelings, ideas, and concerns.

Yet, we have all had the experience of talking with someone and realizing later they did not absorb our message.

Sometimes this happens because they’re poor listeners.

Other times, like Charlie Brown’s teacher, it is because we are lousy wah-wah-WAH talkers!

Elissa suggested I create a list of warning signs to help readers recognize if they are of the terrible talker variety.

Take a talking litmus test

If you recognize any of these signs in yourself take note. People probably tune you out from time to time. Like Lucy and the gang in class.

(Note: credit Elissa for the inspiration for the first four)

  • You’ve talked about the problems with your co-workers seven times already and begin again for the eighth time
  • You get unfocused and jump from topic to topic…never completely finishing any thought
  • Talk with food in your mouth
  • Your listener is not looking you in the eye…or yawning excessively
  • You check your text messages or Twitter feed while telling a story
  • You say the same thing five different ways from yesterday
  • You say the same thing five times in a row
  • You say “um” more than all your other words combined
  • You are monotone
  • You only talk to complain about something
  • It’s only and always about you

Be honest with yourself. Have you ever done one of these things (I have)?

The truth is one can be an effective communicator or an ineffective communicator. And the difference can have profound effects on relationships.

In the “listening” post I wrote how listening is a fundamental communication skill. Likewise, talking effectively is another one of those fundamental skills.

How to be a better talker…

If you want to be a more effective talker take stock of any of the following tips:

  • Decide what you want to say before you say it
  • Before repeating yourself ask the other person if they understand your point of view, even if that means asking them to tell you what they think you are saying
  • Remember that less is usually more (I love this advice I received early in my career)
  • Put your food and phone away, turn off the TV, and take out the ear buds
  • Practice talking with fewer ums, errs, and clearing of your throat

Or, take a page from Elissa’s book on communication in relationships (direct quotes):

  • Don’t take up precious solitudes with meaningless conversations
  • No one should have to take notes to connect your conversational dots
  • Look at the pupils of those listening. If they are rolling into the back of their heads, it’s probably time to take a rest
  • Keep an eye out for yawns. They are informative clues
  • If you’ve already said it, then please shut up about it. Reruns are boring on television and in real life

Gotta love her attitude!

Especially because she’s got a point. Imagine Charlie Brown’s success if his teacher had only been a better talker…

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Frustrated African American man apologizing to woman after quarrel

5 Steps to a Great Apology

Ever receive an apology that didn’t feel apologetic?

Left you feeling worse?

Angrier?

Infuriated?

In mediation — and in life — I see apologies of all shapes, sizes and colors.

Some feel authentic and cathartic.

Some feel compulsory and meaningless.

Some feel passive-aggressive and irritating.

And some downright hurtful.

“I’m sorry you feel that way”

I remember a parenting mediation. They found one another detestable. If not for their daughter they would be non-existent in each other’s lives, or enemies.

To their credit, they were using mediation to focus on co-parenting. They knew that fostering a positive relationship with each parent took precedence over their petty grievances.

At one point the father violated an agreement made during a previous session.

He listened, respectfully, as she angrily conveyed her disgust. When she was done he said,

I hear you. I’m sorry you feel that way.

You could hear a pin drop.

He felt he showed monumental restraint by listening without defending his actions, and apologizing.

She almost blew a gasket.

What happened?

How to make a bad apology

In this case, the father apologized for how she felt, not for what he did.

This felt dismissive to the mother.

He apologized without taking responsibility.

Which is really a non-apology apology!

If you have ever apologized in any of the following ways, it’s possible that you are an ineffective apologizer:

  • “I’m sorry but you also…” (click here to learn why the word “but” is so unhelpful)
    • “But” minimizes the apology
  • Apologizing when you don’t mean it
    • The other person will always know if it’s not genuine
  • “I didn’t mean to upset you…”
    • The impact of something can be hurtful even if the intention was not

Steps to an effective apology using family conflict management strategies

1. Determine if you regret what you did

Do not apologize to get something.

Do not apologize to get the person off your back.

Do not apologize because someone else wants you too.

Apologize because you are remorseful.

This is the only way your apology will feel authentic.

2. Start by expressing remorse using an “I” statement:

  • “I’m sorry that…”
  • “I apologize for…”

3. Take responsibility for what you did without justification or blame

  • “I’m sorry that I was late…”
  • “I apologize for losing my temper and yelling at you…”

4. Empathize with how your actions made the other person feel

  • “I’m sorry that I was late. I can see how that upset you and make it difficult for you to make plans…”
  • “I apologize for losing my temper and yelling at you. I imagine that made you angry — I would have been angry if you did that to me.”

5. Make amends to rectify the situation

  • “I’m sorry that I was late. I can see how that upset you and made it difficult for you to make plans. Next time I’ll leave fifteen minutes earlier, and call you the second there might even be a chance of me being late…”
  • “I apologize for losing my temper and yelling at you. I imagine that made you angry — I would have been angry if you did that to me. I’ll make sure I’m calm before talking about stuff like this with you next time…”

Back to my angry parents and the pin-drop silence…

I let the silence linger.

Then, I turned to the father and asked, “why do you think she is upset?”

It took a few moments and some deep breathes.

And then he explained, in his own words, how she viewed his actions and why it was distressing.

I turned next to the mother and asked, “do you feel he understands where you are coming from?” She grudgingly answered that he did.

I summarized the situation, and asked the husband how he wanted to address her concerns.

He looked at the mother and said, “I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you first about what bothered me. I understand how that broke our agreement. I won’t do it again. Next time if I have too I will call an emergency mediation session if I am that concerned with what our daughter tells me.”

And here’s the magical part.

She looked him in the eye and said, “thank you.”

The tension in the room immediately lifted.

Their body language relaxed.

There was an extended pause.

And they moved forward.

The power of an effective apology.

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cartoon green button with WIN on it

Hate Losing Arguments? 3 Conflict Mediation Steps to Improve Marriage Communication and Win!

I had a divorce mediation client who loved to win.

He loved to win in basketball, business, and investments. His success in life was a result of his competitive nature, he believed.

His wife hated his competitive nature. She thought it was short-sighted and interfered with their communication and decision-making.

Losing Marriage Arguments

They both complained vehemently during private conflict mediation sessions that the other always wins arguments. Both felt the more they tried to win the argument, the more they ended on the losing side.

He’s just going to bully me until he wins…

She’s going to talk circles around me until I give in…

And here’s the irony: both were convinced they compromised their principles in order to avoid losing…again and again.

They both felt they lost every argument they had with each other. They both felt they deferred to one another. And both were frustrated, dissatisfied, and often angry.

Can you relate?

Then Why Divorce Mediation?

One day I asked them why they were in mediation? After all, mediation is designed to avoid having a winner and a loser. It is collaborative in nature and developing win-win solutions is the ultimate goal.

They explained that they did not want to sue one another. They wanted to avoid the time, money and stress litigation would likely bring.

They thought it was important to work it out together. They still had to parent together, after all. They wanted to try to do what was in the kids’ best interest.

It is interesting, I noted, that winning was not one of their stated goals for participating in conflict mediation.

Why then, I asked, were so many of their discussions framed as issues to be won or lost?

3 Steps to Improve Marriage Communication Using Conflict Mediation Techniques

Can you relate to feeling like you come out on the losing end of every argument in your relationships?

Do you begin conversations feeling defensive and guarded, prepared to defend your positions? Starting defensively is a recipe for disaster. Instead, try these strategies:

1. Talk about how you’re going to talk to each other!

Set some ground rules and hold each other accountable. Emphasize areas that usually get in the way of productive conversations.

Interrupt a lot? Agree to avoid interrupting.

Raise voices sometimes? Agree to talk with a normal volume.

Roll your eyes at each other? No eye-rolling, then.

This works best when you can agree on how you are going to respond to one another when the other makes a mistake (which will happen).

2. Understand BOTH points of view.

Change your goal of persuading the other to understand your position. Instead, make a shared goal of understanding each other’s point of view.

Truly listen.

And articulate out loud, without judgment, the other person’s perspective. Knowing that you understand one another creates a respectful and empathic tone to the discussion.

3. Brainstorm solutions that work for BOTH of you.

Brainstorm a flurry of ideas, no matter how outside of the box.

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and generate options that might work for them that could also work for you.

You may come up with some crazy unrealistic solutions. But in the process you will eventually strike gold and identify a solution that can work for both of you.

Back To Our “Losing” Couple…

It was slow going and full of setbacks but they tried to adjust the winning-losing paradigm to a winning-only collaborative paradigm.

When they shifted back to their old narrative of winning and losing I would ask if it was helpful. Was focusing on winning (versus losing) addressing the things that were most important to both of them?

Eventually, they began to frame discussions differently. They generated some solutions that would never have been considered — or even identified — if they stayed exclusively in the winning v. losing mindset.

My high conflict mediation clients had learned how to win more arguments. There just was no loser as part of the equation!

What other ways can staying out of the winning/losing paradigm can lead to you to “winning?”

REPLY below to contribute to the discussion!

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Gift wrapped in paper on the wooden background

Relationship Issues Stressing You Out? 3 Tips to Improve Marriage Problems Without a Marriage Counselor

“Why do I NEED to consider her point of view after all the marriage problems we’ve had, and the way she’s treated me?”

A divorce mediation client angrily asked this of me after I made a comment suggesting the possibility that he might need to consider his wife’s perspective.

I was trying to suggest that it might be helpful to understand what she was saying by looking at the situation through her eyes. After all, stepping in to someone else’s shoes is a common approach to improving communication in relationships. Well, the word “need” really set him off!

In hindsight it was clearly a poor word choice by me.

After a moment’s reflection I told him that I was wrong to use the word “need” and that in fact he did not “need” to do anything that he did not want to do. This calmed him down.

To his surprise I followed up by asking him what the harm would be in considering her point of view.

Now it was his turn to take a moment to reflect. To his credit he tried to consider her perspective.

Your Laziness Might Be Creating Your Marriage Problems…and Creating Business for Your Local Marriage Counselor!

I learned an important lesson from this exchange.

I had developed a very comfortable rapport with this client (we had met several times already). My comfort led to a lazy statement that made him defensive.

Similarly, couples get comfortable with one another. Over time, their internal censor diminishes and they sometimes talk before thinking. Their message may be rough around the edges, their partner bristles, and the stressful relationship issues rear their ugly heads.

Don’t we get lazy in the way we communicate all the time in our relationships at home?

Want to Stay Out of the Marriage Counselor’s Office? Package the Message Properly and Your Marriage Problems and Relationship Issues WILL Improve

My client was not adverse to considering an alternative viewpoint – even if it was his wife’s – but he was surely not going to do it because he was told to do so. When he did not feel forced or directed, he found that being able to step in to her shoes for a moment helped him work through the current impasse.

Ultimately, how we go about saying something is often more important than what it is we have to say. It is all about the packaging of the message!

Lazy communication is like crumpled gift-wrapping — it sends the wrong message.

Three Strategies For Improving Your Communication Packaging

1. Tell your partner what you think and feel, NOT what they should think and feel. “I” statements are far more effective than “you” statements.

2. Think about what you want to say before you say it. Just because you are talking to someone you love does not mean they don’t deserve the same sensitivity you would show an employer or member of the clergy! They do.

3. If you are angry or frustrated — heated in any way — wait. Wait until you are calm. Wait until you have had time to think it through.

I have found that the way I frame messages in my work as a mediator, and in my life as a husband, son, and father makes or breaks a difficult conversation.

What additional tips on how to package messages productively can you share with other readers? What other communication strategies can help improve marriage problems?

Hammering nail into wooden surface against light blue background

Relationship Help That Could Save Your Marriage

“Stop trying to fix all my problems!”

“You’re NOT LISTENING to me!”

“You don’t GET it!

Sound familiar in your relationship?

If you or your partner have either uttered something like this out of sheer exasperation, or have had these barbs thrown in your face, you have to watch this video.

Seriously.

Check it out. It’s short and it’s awesome.

Textbook Relationship Problems

C’mon, admit it. You could relate to this dynamic. And I bet you laughed. Or at least smiled.

Relationship Help In Action

I am mediating a parent teen dispute right now.

The parents are scared for their child’s safety and their daughter is feeling smothered. They are both trying to come up with solutions that are going nowhere.

That is, until I suggested the parents simply acknowledge the daughter’s feelings and the daughter acknowledges the parents’ feelings.

Parents: “I know you feel smothered”

Daughter: “Yes, that’s what I’ve been telling you! Finally you understand!”

 

Daughter: “I know you are scared I’m going to do something stupid and get hurt.”

Parents: With tears in their eyes, “Yes, honey. We just want you to be safe. We love you.”

Did this solve their problems?

Of course not!

But it did help begin to repair their relationship and set the stage for better understanding and communication.

If you are experiencing relationship problems and arguing with someone you care about they likely feel like you don’t understand. Likewise, if you hear something like one of the sharp comments from the beginning of this post, there is a good chance that you skipped a critical step.

The Critical Step That Could Save Your Marriage

Before responding to the words your spouse is saying, respond to the feelings you hear behind the words.

One way to think about this is that if you find both of you repeating yourselves — going back and forth like a seesaw — take a breath, step back, and think about how the other person is feeling.

And then tell them what you are hearing — about their feelings.

Even if you don’t understand it, agree with it, or think it is wildly unfair!

Trying to rationalize feelings is flat-out irrational. There is no right or wrong when it comes to feelings. No one should feel a certain way (click here for why I think the word “should” is so incredibly unhelpful).

Trying to validate feelings, on the other hand, is about as rational as it gets.

People want to feel heard and understood. It doesn’t matter who you are or what gender you are — people tend to remain defensive when they feel judged or misunderstood. Conversely, folks open themselves up to new ideas when they feel the other person “gets” how they are feeling.

Imagery For Helping Relationship Problems

The nail.

Remember the nail!

Even though the literal nail was snagging all of her sweaters, the proverbial nail is the recognition of the other person’s feelings.

Remembering the nail might just help your relationship problems move closer to relationship solutions.

It’s difficult to acknowledge feelings when you are in the midst of a relationship problem — what other strategies can you recommend?

A close up shot of a happy jack-o-lantern sitting on a rail of a deck during the day

Parenting Tips for How to Help Your Kids Resolve Conflict

It’s Halloween time.

Two brothers are upset because one of the two pumpkins had to be thrown out. Brothers did what brothers do: argue. They both wanted the remaining pumpkin to be their pumpkin.

Their mother tried her best to encourage them to share, to reprimand them, and even threatened to take the pumpkin away from both of them.

No luck.

She was at her wits end. The kids arguing would not stop.

Parenting Tips and Tricks

Their father was brought up to speed later that day. Taking a different approach to his kids arguing, he waited for a calm moment to sit the boys down and asked them why the pumpkin was so important to each of them.

After some encouragement and assurance the older one explained that he wanted to carve the pumpkin by himself. He had spent time thinking about the carving and in preparation had even drawn it out on paper. It was going to be so cool!

The younger one, sniffling, explained that he wanted to bake the pumpkin seeds like his teacher told him about. They were going to be so good!

Their father listened intently.

And then he said:

“So, you want to carve the pumpkin. And you want the seeds so you can bake them. I wonder if there is a way for each of you to get what you want with the same pumpkin? What do you think?”

Later that night, the older son carved the pumpkin. As he gutted the pumpkin he carefully placed the seeds in to a bowl. His younger brother worked with his mother to clean, salt and bake them.

Parent as Mediator: Teaching Kids How to Resolve Conflict

In mediation, the pumpkin is an example of a position a client may bring in to the session. The carving and baking are the interests that the father helped his kids figure out. This father was a great mediator!

He asked some questions, listened, and helped the kids brainstorm solutions that met both of their needs. This is exactly what any effective mediator will do to help resolve family conflict.

Focusing on the pumpkin alone would never have resulted in a win-win solution.

In what ways do you focus too much on the “pumpkins” in your life?

Comment below to share your take-away from this story!

Woman meditating

Jedi Training to Develop Conflict Resolution Strategies

So, I am one of those cheesy people that draws meaning from the original classic sci-fi Star Wars trilogy. I know it is mostly over-simplified messages packaged with light sabers, cool characters, mystical forces, and huge spaceships. But what can I tell you? I love it.

Why am I telling you this? To set the stage for one of my favorite movie lines. A line that I think has profound relevance to most conflicts in relationships that I see time and time again in mediation.

Star Wars & Conflict Resolution Strategies?

Remember in Return of the Jedi when Luke confronted Obi-Won for lying to him about his father’s true identity? Luke was furious – even betrayed – by Obi-Won’s omission.  Obi-Won did not get defensive. He did not make excuses. He simply, and wisely, told him, Luke, you will find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view.”

Wow! The truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view. Isn’t that so true? Especially when it comes to the difficulties we have resolving conflict?

In other words, the storylines we play in our heads shape our interpretation of events and experiences. In a recent post I shared a story of a wife who made false assumptions about her husband due to her point of view. The truth she clung to made resolving conflict with her soon-to-be ex very difficult.

Obi-Won is implying that if Luke had opened his eyes to view things from alternative perspectives – or perhaps embrace the force more fully – he may have figured out the truth about his father earlier.

Jedi Tricks Are Great Conflict Resolution Strategies

Resolving relationship conflicts are always easier when multiple points of view are taken in to consideration. It can be hard for sure (after all, Luke struggled and he was Jedi in training!), but some strategies can be helpful:

  • Clear your mind and step outside of yourself to reflect on the situation as a spectator (click here to read a post about how to do this)
  • Remind yourself to keep an open mind
  • Remind yourself that you don’t know everything
  • Listen to what other people have to say before jumping to conclusions
  • Remain patient and take time to think things through
  • Take deep breathes

What other Jedi mind tricks have you used to keep an open mind to alternative points of view?

The word Assumptions on a tablet with other items at a table

Co-Parenting After Divorce When You Hate Your Ex But Love Your Kids

A few weeks ago a divorce mediation client was venting frustration in a private session about certain aspects of child support and co-parenting after divorce. She was convinced that her husband would be irresponsible with the money and spend more of it on himself than the kids. To prove her point she pointed out that he had a new iPhone, just a month after getting an Android phone.

I can remember the vitriol in her tone when she declared his guilt by phone association!

I asked her about the possibility that he got the phone for an important reason? That perhaps, his employer had given it to him? That it was a gift from someone? That he returned the previous phone for an even exchange?

Nope.

She was sure that it represented his impulsive ways and his failure to put the kids first. She was becoming increasingly convinced that co-parenting after divorce with him was going to be a disaster.

I was curious. When I saw the husband next I casually observed that he had a new phone and found out how he came to have it.

Where Did That Phone Come From Anyway?

It turns out that the phone was indeed given to him by his employer at no cost to him.

The wife had been so dismissive of this possibility because she jumped to conclusions about his intentions. Simply, she did not give him the benefit of the doubt.

I knew that the wife and the husband were both good people with nothing but the best intentions for their children. Due to the hurt and pain caused over the years of their marriage they were blinded to this fact and assumed false intentions of one another. And as a result there was no trust to establish a healthy co-parenting relationship.

Co-Parenting After Divorce With HIM?

From my perspective there was great opportunity to build trust with this duo, at least as it related to the children.

The next time I met with the wife privately I filled her in. She had one of those I don’t know what to say and feel kind of foolish looks on her face.

The iPhone led to a wonderful discussion. She reflected on the possibility of assuming that the hurt from their marriage would lead him to behave in a manipulative and deceptive way with issues related to co-parenting and the children. She realized that there may be opportunity to build trust as a co-parenting partner even though there was no hope of rebuilding trust as a marriage partner.

What Steve Jobs and Co-Parenting After Divorce Have to Do With One Another

I love when something symbolic occurs in a mediation that can illustrate a point more effectively than I ever could.

Ever since this exchange I would pull out my iPhone whenever the wife was quick to react to her husband’s decision-making. I would take out my phone, place it on the table, point, and ask her to remember the iPhone story. She would pause, reflect, and begin to consider interpretations of her husband’s decisions that did not always involve devious intentions and evil plots.

As a result, she is beginning to build trust and give him the benefit of the doubt. She does not always agree with him, but she is beginning to accept that like her she wants what is best for their kids.

Do you think Steve Jobs predicted that the phone would help divorcees improve their co-parenting? I wonder if there’s an app for that?

What parts of your relationship do you need the iPhone reminder? What false assumptions are you making?

Comment below and share your experience with “iPhone moments.”