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How to Divorce Online During Covid-19: Free Online Mediation Checklist
Resolving divorce and family conflicts are more important now than ever during Covid-19. Thankfully, we live in an age of sophisticated technology. Zoom online mediation brings the mediation room to you!
I have provided virtual remote mediation for many years to accommodate clients living in different locations. And I have learned a lot about what makes for a successful Zoom mediation.
Online Divorce During Covid-19: Do’s and Don’ts
DO Plan Ahead
Mediating stressful conflict occurs best when you are comfortable, free of distractions, and have what you need to keep yourself calm. To that end, consider:
Location: Where can I have the most privacy? My bedroom? My office? My car? The basement?
Minimizing Distractions: Where will the kids be? What can they be doing outside of earshot? What about the dog?
Timing: How can I avoid needing to multi-task? Should I cook before or after? Can I clear my work calendar for two hours?
Comfort — Physically and Emotionally: What do I need to be comfortable? Can I fill up my water bottle in advance? Do I need something to fidget with? If I’m living with my spouse should we be together? Or separate rooms on different devices?
Preparation: Should I have paper and pen to take notes? Have I printed out forms that I need? Do I have a calculator available?
Technology: Am I familiar with Zoom (click here for Zoom tutorials)? Should I do a test call? Where do I have the strongest Wi-Fi connection? What device am I going to use? Do I need to start my video and audio settings?
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When Divorcing Online, Avoid…
Driving: Believe it or not, zoom driving happens. It’s dangerous! And distracting. If your car is the most private spot make sure you’re parked.
Being too Informal: It can be easy to loosen boundaries in the comfort of your own home. Remember, mediation typically occurs in a formal conference room — aim to present yourself as you would in my office!
Drinking Alcohol: In the comfort of your home it might be tempting to have a drink while mediating — if you wouldn’t do it in my office, don’t do it at home during mediation. It will interfere with your decision-making and compromise the process.
Inflammatory/Intimidating Backgrounds: Do not fiddle with weapons, cut vegetables with a sharp knife, have a photo of your new significant other in the background, or expose the other party to things that will increase tension, stress, and obstacles to good-faith negotiation.
A Word about Kids and Online Divorce Mediation During Covid-19
Mediating from home is hard, particularly for parents. Remember, it is in your kids’ best interest they are not exposed to:
- Financial matters between parents
- Court and legal matters between parents
- Conflict, tension, and arguing between their parents
Make sure your kids are engaged in an activity out of ear-shot. If necessary, let me know that you need to take breaks to check-in with your kids..or if your kids walk in the room unexpectedly!
Balancing parenting, work, and a divorce from home is a tall-task. Part of my job is to make the process work for you — and that includes making adjustments so that online divorce and family mediation is as effective as in-person mediation!
What other recommendations do you have for how to mediate divorce during Covid-19 online? Please leave a comment!
Move Ahead with your Divorce During COVID-19: Zoom Remote Divorce Mediation
Email from divorce mediation client:
“Ben, looks like we will have to postpone our divorce mediation with the Coronavirus and everything going on. We’ll be in touch.”
In the last week during the Covid-19 stay-at-home orders I have received multiple emails just like this one.
Zoom to the Rescue!
I am happy to report that family and divorce mediation can continue during the Covid-19 era using Zoom remote video conferencing.
In fact, I have provided Zoom remote divorce mediation for years for out-of-state clients. Other times I have provided zoom remote mediation for clients who do not want to be physically in the same room together but see the benefit of communicating and negotiating directly.
Benefits of Remote Video Conference Divorce Mediation
Zoom remote divorce mediation is effective because:
- Clear Communication: Participants can see each other’s body language, hear tone, read facial expressions, just like in-person meetings
- Private Session Options: The mediator can still move to confidential private sessions during a longer mediation using “breakout room” features
- Document Review: Everyone can look at, review, and fill out documents together using “screen-sharing” features
Additional benefits to Zoom remote divorce and family mediation include:
- Comfort: Parties can make themselves comfortable in their homes or offices. Some mediate from couches, desks, and even outside on their patio on a nice day
- Time-Saver: Remote mediation eliminates travel time
- Flexible Scheduling: I am able to offer more flexible scheduling options since I too (during Covid-19 in particular) can meet earlier or later in the day without worry about commuting issues
Stay-at-home orders during Covid-19 do not need to slow down your divorce negotiation, or your efforts to resolving family conflict.
Email response to client:
“I hope you and your family are healthy and faring well during this challenging time. I have mediated over video conference for many years. Would you like to learn more about how that works so you can continue to make progress with your mediation?”
While some parents lament how much screen-time their kids have we can be grateful that “screen-time” can help mediation clients continue to move forward with their lives!
Your Kids and Divorce: Mediating a Child-First Divorce
What do kids and divorce negotiations have to do with one another?
A lot! (for parents).
Thinking about your kids could be the best decision you’ll make in your divorce negotiation.
Your Kids’ Shoes
I recently wrapped up a mediation that was a model child-centered divorce.
The parents weren’t buddies. They didn’t spend a lot of time together. They disagreed a lot during mediation.
In fact, they didn’t particularly like each other.
But they love their kids, and despite the obvious personal tension between them they embraced their redefined relationship: co-parents for life.
And they realized that to make a great parenting plan they needed some perspective.
Kids and Divorce Mediation
What kind of perspective?
Your kids!
Some would ask what a child’s perspective has to do with divorce negotiations, so let me explain.
The degree to which your parenting plan meets your children’s needs can profoundly affect how well they adapt to divorce.
My divorce mediation clients worked hard to put themselves in their children’s shoes and consider their perspective when crafting the parenting schedule, holiday division, and the many other parts of their parenting plan.
And the way in which they did this was usually subtle. They’d ask questions like:
She has all these activities…what kind of drop-off arrangement do we think would be least stressful for her?
You know, she’s really worried about the dog…would you ever consider having her bring the dog with her when she’s at your place?
He’s really anxious and worried about upsetting either of us…can we figure out how to explain the plan to him together? Maybe we can have a family meeting?
You know his friends are his life…we need to figure out a way to make sure we’re on the same page about play dates and birthday parties…
I think alternating Christmas, which is what I’d personally like to do, would be devastating for them…how can we make this work so it’s still special for them and not impossible for us?
Your Kids and Divorce…
Walking in your kids’ shoes for a moment can take the focus away from your spousal conflict and place it on what binds you most meaningfully: your children.
And will lead to a better child-centered parenting plan.
What is a Mediator? Mediation Questions Answered on the Inside Divorce Podcast
I had a blast recently being interviewed by divorce attorney Cynthia Auckly-Barbuto of the Law Firm of Grossman & Associates (now Sassoon Cymrot Law) in Newton, MA. Cynthia hosted an edition of their Inside Divorce Podcast. We spent a half hour answering questions like “What is a mediator?” and “How can mediation help parents in high conflict situations divorce?”
Hear Ben Stich Featured on the INSIDE DIVORCE PODCAST
My interview on the Inside Divorce Podcast is described on their website as:
On Inside Divorce Episode 17, Cynthia Auckly-Barbuto, Senior Associate Attorney at Grossman & Associates, speaks with Ben Stich, LICSW, M.Ed., a Family and Divorce Mediator in Natick, MA (www.benstich.com). Ben specializes in separation and divorce mediation, parenting, modification, decision-making & communication, as well as martial issues. Ben also mediates elder issues like estate planning and end of life planning. Ben specializes in interest based facilitated mediation. In this episode Ben talks about different strategies he often uses in high conflict cases to best reach resolution in the mediation process. Ben is also an instructor for the Commonwealth’s only mandated High Conflict Parenting Education Program at William James College. The course is 9-weeks and focuses on conflict resolution & skill development.
What is a mediator? Hear me answer that and other questions about mediation, high conflict parenting, and divorce.
Grossman & Associates is a full service family law firm that prides itself on going above and beyond for their clients. They attend to the big matters and small matters with same attention and detail that all clients deserve.
If this interview was of interest please check out Ben’s interview with Alan Margulis from the Total Counselor Show on WCRN.
To learn more about divorce mediation or family mediation contact mediator Ben Stich for more information.
How to Divorce in Massachusetts Using Mediation: An Interview on WCRN
I had the great fortune to be interviewed by Attorney Allen Margulis of the Total Counselor Show on WCRN on July 31st about how to divorce in Massachusetts. During the hour-long interview we discussed the different ways to get divorced in Massachusetts, with a particularly emphasis on divorce mediation.
I shared one of my favorite mediation stories: Two parents came to me after spending six figures on their contested divorce process without any progress…and resolved the entire divorce in under $5,000 total mediation fees!
In addition to the financial and time benefits to mediation we discussed at length the destructive impact parental conflict has on child well-being, and how mediation can help parents craft great parenting plans. We also reviewed the role mediation can play to help with a range of family conflicts outside the context of divorce.
I hope you enjoy listening to three of the segments I have linked below!
Segment 1: How to Divorce in Massachusetts
Segment 2: How to Divorce in Massachusetts
Segment 3: How to Divorce in Massachusetts
A big thank you to Allen for hosting me on the show. Attorney Margulis is a respected Estate, Tax, Real Estate and Business Planning. Allen considers himself a tax-centric lawyer. He provides his clients with a complete and comprehensive strategic plan aimed at achieving their goals and objectives. He dedicates himself to providing all of his clients with superior service. Allen has 26 years experience in tax and accounting and 16 years in law. To contact Attorney Margulis click here.
For a free mediation consultation with mediator Ben Stich click here.
Mediators Can Help HIGH Conflict: Fact or Fiction?
People tell me “I want to refer someone to you but they are really high conflict so there’s no way mediation could work for them.”
Then, I take a deep breathe, resist the urge to say something like “that doesn’t make sense!” and ask them to tell me about the situation.
FICTION: Mediators only works for couples who are amicable.
FACT: Mediation is a structured process that helps people in conflict come to resolution.
Mediators Say, Bring on the Conflict!
Divorcing spouses who hate each other?
Yup.
Co-parents who not have spoken face-to-face in years.
Yes.
Teenagers who “hate” their parents?
Uh-huh, that too.
Mediation is all about resolving conflict! Low conflict, high conflict, and everything in between.
Can mediation resolve all disputes? Of course not. But it sure can more than the public realizes.
Divorce Mediation Fiction
Conventional thinking about mediation is that it can’t work because the parties are:
- Too combative
- All about blame
- Unwilling to consider another point of view
- Resentful and vindictive
And this is just a sampling.
Challenging dynamics for sure.
Family Mediation Fact
I recently mediated a case with all those factors in play.
After nine months of paying attorneys thousands of dollars to try to settle and prepare for a trial these clients had made no progress. Not even one itty-bitty agreement.
As a last ditch effort to avoid a drawn-out ugly and exorbitantly expensive trial they tried mediation. The wife walked in and started the session by announcing that she has no confidence in the process, and this will likely be the first — and last — session.
Not an ideal starting point!
The tension was palpable.
It took some time, and lots of structure and intervention from me, but slowly they started to hear each other. They started to increase understanding of one another (NOTE: understanding is different than agreeing!). What started with hostility and blame often shifted to listening and problem-solving. And they started making decisions.
And the mediation fact is they successfully divorced.
The first step of any effective mediation must be two (or more) parties’ voluntary engagement in the process. Once engaged, family and divorce mediators have the skills and experience required to help folks navigate their disputes.
Mediators facilitate safe, constructive communication by:
- Creating a safe and structured physical environment
- Modelling and teaching effective communication skills
- Helping clients stay calm
- Guiding clients toward mutually satisfactory problem-solving (click here to learn more about positions and interests)
- Teaching effective proposal-making approaches
- and more….
Mediator Facts Matter…
My favorite mediations are those involving a high conflict situation. It’s when I have the greatest positive impact for my clients, and their children (if they have any).
In the end, having a skilled mediator increases the chances the parties will be able to:
- Remain the decision-makers in their own dispute (particularly important with child-related matters)
- Save a lot of money
- Save a lot of time
- Save a lot of heartache going through an adversarial litigation process
- Improve their communication
- Decrease long-term conflict
- Move forward with certainty about the outcome of their conflict
- Repair some or all of the relationship
- And when children are involved, develop much better child-centered parenting plans (stay tuned for an upcoming post on mediating with parents in a high conflict relationship)
The FACT of the matter is this: Mediation IS an effective model for resolving high conflict disputes.
The Assumption Trap | Lessons from Family Mediation Services
I often find inspiration for posts from my family mediation services. But the reality is that communication lessons are present everyday if we pay attention.
A friend of mine was venting to me recently about his mother-in-law.
He is a videographer.
Exceptionally talented, award-winning, and creative.
He has made a great career creating marketing materials for well-recognized businesses, producing large corporate training programs and webinars, and teaching video production at the college level.
His mother-in-law recently worked on a personal project developing a retrospective video for her husband in honor of their 50th wedding anniversary.
She sought video clips and photos from all her friends and family, vowing secrecy along the way.
Her previous experience editing was limited to using the red-eye feature on her phone camera. In other words, she was a video production rookie trying to create a high-quality production.
Where Our Thoughts Interfere…
My friend was insulted she had not sought his support.
As he talked about this some of his internal dialogue became clear:
After all these years she still doesn’t trust me…
What do I need to do to be respected by her…
How dare she talk about how hard it is in front of me — what gall…
I asked if he offered to help. He felt strongly that he should not impose. If she truly wanted his help she’d ask.
I am very close with his mother-in-law. Shortly after this conversation I happened to be with her and asked if her son-in-law had helped with the video.
She was insulted he had not offered to assist.
As she talked about this some of her internal dialogue became clear:
He is so self-centered…
I can’t believe he can’t take five minute to help after all we’ve done to welcome him in to this family…
And he knows I’m struggling — he really must not like me…
He was surprised she hadn’t asked for his help.
She would love his help but didn’t want to put him in an uncomfortable position.
Two sides to the same coin.
Lessons Learned from Family Mediation Services
They both made quick assumptions based on interpretations of the other’s actions.
Interpretations that assume the worst. Assumptions that fueled with time develop resentment, anger and hurt.
Unfortunately, I see this dynamic play out in my family mediation services work regularly. Both parties making wild assumptions and applying negative meaning, often unfairly, without first checking their assumptions.
Had she originally approached him and said something like, “I know you’re really busy. I don’t want to add more work to your plate. Can you give me any advice on who I can reach out to help me with my project?”
He would have then helped, or given her a good resource. And perhaps he didn’t want to help — but at least this would then be based on information, not guess-work.
Likewise, had he originally approached her and said something like “I don’t want to intrude but just so you know if I can help in any way just let me know.”
Then, she could have taken him up on her offer, or not — again, at least his conclusions would be based on information, not guess-work.
The narratives we have in our head are sometimes right on. And sometimes not!
While there are many strategies to avoid drawing assumptions, here are three:
- Ask clarifying questions before drawing conclusions
- Remember there are always two sides of the story, that have merit from each person’s world view perspective
- If necessary, get help from a third party to broker the communication
Avoid the assumption trap!
Dealing With Divorce Can Be Easier When You Think Like a Kindergartener
I am always trying to find a unique twist for my posts.
Something that sets my ideas apart.
Thinking about this post, common expressions I hear from parents in mediation kept running through my mind.
Statements like:
He’s so demanding.
She’s so controlling.
He’s rude.
She’s bossy.
Hmmm…I wonder what mind-blowing advice I could provide about dealing with divorce?
Ideas for Dealing with Divorce Co-Parenting Issues
I was discussing this with my wife and throwing out ideas.
Should I write about active listening skills, I asked?
Or the difference between positions and interests?
Perhaps a post about relationship boundaries?
She turned and gave me the most jaw-dropping, duh-why-didn’t-I-think-of-that answer.
A topic I had never even considered.
Something so obvious, so universal, that we take its power for granted.
So What Did She Say Already?
How about how to be polite?
You know, say please and thank you more.
And you know what, as I paused to think about her suggestion, mediation after mediation flashed through my mind.
I thought of a mother wishing the father would show appreciation and thank her for making sure their child honored him every Father’s Day.
I thought of a bitter and resentful father who wished the mother would politely suggest, rather than demand, decisions that were hers to legally make.
I thought of an email exchange where one parent graciously deferred to the other parent’s idea, and then later blew up because she was never thanked.
That’s right, the “magic words” that we learned in pre-school, please & thank you, hold such power and influence that they can make or break a relationship!
Why Kindergarteners can be “Smarter” than Adults Dealing with Divorce!
We teach our five year olds to say “thank you” after someone does something kind for them.
We implore them to appreciate kindness.
We chastise them when they forget, mumble, or complain.
Yet, adults overlook kindness all the time.
And sadly, the longer the relationship, more is taken for granted, and less appreciation is acknowledged.
In marriages this dynamic can slowly erode warmth, and lead to resentment.
In co-parenting relationships, this can scuttle efforts to work together for the benefit of the children.
How to be as Smart as a Kindergartener
Just as I have seen relationships deteriorate when basic niceties are missing, I have seen efforts to show more courtesy strengthen the most strained relationships.
I think of a defensive mother who opened up to collaboration after her co-parent started the mediation by thanking her for helping out last week.
I think of an impatient father slow down after his wife politely asked him to be patient with her during the mediation session.
I think of a resentful husband write an email more carefully after he received a surprisingly respectful email from his divorced wife.
3 Adult Strategies for Implementing the “Magic Words”
1. Avoid presumptions and entitlement.
Just because someone does something nice on a regular basis does not mean it should be expected, or go unnoticed. If your wife stays at home alone with the kids every Thursday so you can play cards with the boys, thank her…every Thursday.
2. Avoid relationship laziness.
If you need something from upstairs you can either tell your eight year old to go get it, or you can ask him to please go get it. The former conveys that being bossy and controlling is the norm; the latter engenders goodwill and conveys that respect is a core value of positive relationships.
3. Avoid assumptions.
Do not assume that your co-parent knows that you appreciate how hard she’s working to make ends meet. Tell her. Regularly.
As kindergarteners have been told for generations, remember to mind your P’s and Q’s.
Please.
Thank you.
Please comment below — I would love to hear from you!
LINKEDIN USERS: LinkedIn does not have the capability for your comments on LinkedIn groups to appear on the original blog post. If you are commenting on a LinkedIn group would you mind copying the comment directly on to the blog so my other readers who might be dealing with divorce can benefit from your ideas and reactions? Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
Is All Fair in Love and War? Lessons for Marriages, Divorce, and Separation Agreements
Common separation agreement ideas:
“We’ll just split things down the middle. That’s just the fair thing to do.”
“We just want to be fair so we’ll add it all up and split it 50/50.”
These are reasonable ideas.
But does that mean they are “fair?”
What Do You Mean? Of Course it Does!
Does fairness mean things need to be equal?
Many think so.
If that’s the case then why do golfers follow the USGA Handicap System?
Why let some kids use training wheels longer than others?
Or, why do educators modify classroom instruction for kids who have trouble learning?
Interestingly, these are unequal ways of creating fairness for golfers and children.
Yeah, But You Can’t Compare Biking to Divorce and Marriage
Actually, you can.
Do you know what often happens when families see fairness as equality?
Problems!
The reality is that we are all different.
We have different temperaments. Different strengths. Different weaknesses.
We also have different needs.
Let’s take the example of a divorcing couple’s home.
It is common for a separation agreement to stipulate a sale of the marital home. I often hear, for example, that it’s “only fair” to sell the house, pay off the mortgage, and split the profit 50/50.
This certainly is equal.
But is it “fair” if the wife has no alternative living situation, she will still not have enough for a new apartment or down-payment on a condo, and the husband is moving in with his parents at no cost?
Both need a place to live. One has a no-cost option, and one has a high-cost option that will accrue debt. In this case, it might be “fair” for the wife to keep the house, and to split the other assets in a different manner.
It’s not equal, but it sure seems fair.
So What About the Marriage Part?
Is it fair if your spouse goes out with her friends one night per week when you only go out once a month?
Maybe, if her friends are important to her and she’ll get stuff off her chest.
Is it fair for your spouse to go camping with boys for a weekend while you stay at home with the kids?
Maybe, if it re-charges his batteries.
Is it fair for your spouse to spend more on clothes this year than you?
Maybe, if her size changed and she just got a new job.
OK, OK…But What Does This Have To Do With a Separation Agreement?
Everything.
After all, the Massachusetts divorce laws stipulate that the court will use a standard called “equitable division.” This does not mean that your things have to be divided exactly in half, but it does mean that the decision has to be fair.
Wait? I thought things HAD TO BE EQUAL in order to be fair!
Fair does NOT mean equal.
Fair DOES mean giving people what they need to be successful.
Bottom Line…
Trying to make equal decisions in marriages and divorces is possible.
But probably won’t get you what you need.
Trying to make fair and reasonable decisions in marriages and divorces might be harder.
But it will improve communication, decrease resentment, and far more likely give you both what you need.
Give it a shot.
After all, that would only be the fair thing to do.
Please share by commenting below — I’d love to hear from you!
LINKEDIN USERS: LinkedIn does not have the capability for your comments on LinkedIn groups to appear on the original blog post. If you are commenting on a LinkedIn group would you mind copying the comment directly on to the blog so my other readers can benefit from your ideas and reactions? Thank you, thank you, thank you!!Pages
How to Divorce Online During Covid-19: Free Online Mediation Checklist
Resolving divorce and family conflicts are more important now than ever during Covid-19. Thankfully, we live in an age of sophisticated technology. Zoom online mediation brings the mediation room to you!
I have provided virtual remote mediation for many years to accommodate clients living in different locations. And I have learned a lot about what makes for a successful Zoom mediation.
Online Divorce During Covid-19: Do’s and Don’ts
DO Plan Ahead
Mediating stressful conflict occurs best when you are comfortable, free of distractions, and have what you need to keep yourself calm. To that end, consider:
Location: Where can I have the most privacy? My bedroom? My office? My car? The basement?
Minimizing Distractions: Where will the kids be? What can they be doing outside of earshot? What about the dog?
Timing: How can I avoid needing to multi-task? Should I cook before or after? Can I clear my work calendar for two hours?
Comfort — Physically and Emotionally: What do I need to be comfortable? Can I fill up my water bottle in advance? Do I need something to fidget with? If I’m living with my spouse should we be together? Or separate rooms on different devices?
Preparation: Should I have paper and pen to take notes? Have I printed out forms that I need? Do I have a calculator available?
Technology: Am I familiar with Zoom (click here for Zoom tutorials)? Should I do a test call? Where do I have the strongest Wi-Fi connection? What device am I going to use? Do I need to start my video and audio settings?
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When Divorcing Online, Avoid…
Driving: Believe it or not, zoom driving happens. It’s dangerous! And distracting. If your car is the most private spot make sure you’re parked.
Being too Informal: It can be easy to loosen boundaries in the comfort of your own home. Remember, mediation typically occurs in a formal conference room — aim to present yourself as you would in my office!
Drinking Alcohol: In the comfort of your home it might be tempting to have a drink while mediating — if you wouldn’t do it in my office, don’t do it at home during mediation. It will interfere with your decision-making and compromise the process.
Inflammatory/Intimidating Backgrounds: Do not fiddle with weapons, cut vegetables with a sharp knife, have a photo of your new significant other in the background, or expose the other party to things that will increase tension, stress, and obstacles to good-faith negotiation.
A Word about Kids and Online Divorce Mediation During Covid-19
Mediating from home is hard, particularly for parents. Remember, it is in your kids’ best interest they are not exposed to:
- Financial matters between parents
- Court and legal matters between parents
- Conflict, tension, and arguing between their parents
Make sure your kids are engaged in an activity out of ear-shot. If necessary, let me know that you need to take breaks to check-in with your kids..or if your kids walk in the room unexpectedly!
Balancing parenting, work, and a divorce from home is a tall-task. Part of my job is to make the process work for you — and that includes making adjustments so that online divorce and family mediation is as effective as in-person mediation!
What other recommendations do you have for how to mediate divorce during Covid-19 online? Please leave a comment!
Move Ahead with your Divorce During COVID-19: Zoom Remote Divorce Mediation
Email from divorce mediation client:
“Ben, looks like we will have to postpone our divorce mediation with the Coronavirus and everything going on. We’ll be in touch.”
In the last week during the Covid-19 stay-at-home orders I have received multiple emails just like this one.
Zoom to the Rescue!
I am happy to report that family and divorce mediation can continue during the Covid-19 era using Zoom remote video conferencing.
In fact, I have provided Zoom remote divorce mediation for years for out-of-state clients. Other times I have provided zoom remote mediation for clients who do not want to be physically in the same room together but see the benefit of communicating and negotiating directly.
Benefits of Remote Video Conference Divorce Mediation
Zoom remote divorce mediation is effective because:
- Clear Communication: Participants can see each other’s body language, hear tone, read facial expressions, just like in-person meetings
- Private Session Options: The mediator can still move to confidential private sessions during a longer mediation using “breakout room” features
- Document Review: Everyone can look at, review, and fill out documents together using “screen-sharing” features
Additional benefits to Zoom remote divorce and family mediation include:
- Comfort: Parties can make themselves comfortable in their homes or offices. Some mediate from couches, desks, and even outside on their patio on a nice day
- Time-Saver: Remote mediation eliminates travel time
- Flexible Scheduling: I am able to offer more flexible scheduling options since I too (during Covid-19 in particular) can meet earlier or later in the day without worry about commuting issues
Stay-at-home orders during Covid-19 do not need to slow down your divorce negotiation, or your efforts to resolving family conflict.
Email response to client:
“I hope you and your family are healthy and faring well during this challenging time. I have mediated over video conference for many years. Would you like to learn more about how that works so you can continue to make progress with your mediation?”
While some parents lament how much screen-time their kids have we can be grateful that “screen-time” can help mediation clients continue to move forward with their lives!
Your Kids and Divorce: Mediating a Child-First Divorce
What do kids and divorce negotiations have to do with one another?
A lot! (for parents).
Thinking about your kids could be the best decision you’ll make in your divorce negotiation.
Your Kids’ Shoes
I recently wrapped up a mediation that was a model child-centered divorce.
The parents weren’t buddies. They didn’t spend a lot of time together. They disagreed a lot during mediation.
In fact, they didn’t particularly like each other.
But they love their kids, and despite the obvious personal tension between them they embraced their redefined relationship: co-parents for life.
And they realized that to make a great parenting plan they needed some perspective.
Kids and Divorce Mediation
What kind of perspective?
Your kids!
Some would ask what a child’s perspective has to do with divorce negotiations, so let me explain.
The degree to which your parenting plan meets your children’s needs can profoundly affect how well they adapt to divorce.
My divorce mediation clients worked hard to put themselves in their children’s shoes and consider their perspective when crafting the parenting schedule, holiday division, and the many other parts of their parenting plan.
And the way in which they did this was usually subtle. They’d ask questions like:
She has all these activities…what kind of drop-off arrangement do we think would be least stressful for her?
You know, she’s really worried about the dog…would you ever consider having her bring the dog with her when she’s at your place?
He’s really anxious and worried about upsetting either of us…can we figure out how to explain the plan to him together? Maybe we can have a family meeting?
You know his friends are his life…we need to figure out a way to make sure we’re on the same page about play dates and birthday parties…
I think alternating Christmas, which is what I’d personally like to do, would be devastating for them…how can we make this work so it’s still special for them and not impossible for us?
Your Kids and Divorce…
Walking in your kids’ shoes for a moment can take the focus away from your spousal conflict and place it on what binds you most meaningfully: your children.
And will lead to a better child-centered parenting plan.
What is a Mediator? Mediation Questions Answered on the Inside Divorce Podcast
I had a blast recently being interviewed by divorce attorney Cynthia Auckly-Barbuto of the Law Firm of Grossman & Associates (now Sassoon Cymrot Law) in Newton, MA. Cynthia hosted an edition of their Inside Divorce Podcast. We spent a half hour answering questions like “What is a mediator?” and “How can mediation help parents in high conflict situations divorce?”
Hear Ben Stich Featured on the INSIDE DIVORCE PODCAST
My interview on the Inside Divorce Podcast is described on their website as:
On Inside Divorce Episode 17, Cynthia Auckly-Barbuto, Senior Associate Attorney at Grossman & Associates, speaks with Ben Stich, LICSW, M.Ed., a Family and Divorce Mediator in Natick, MA (www.benstich.com). Ben specializes in separation and divorce mediation, parenting, modification, decision-making & communication, as well as martial issues. Ben also mediates elder issues like estate planning and end of life planning. Ben specializes in interest based facilitated mediation. In this episode Ben talks about different strategies he often uses in high conflict cases to best reach resolution in the mediation process. Ben is also an instructor for the Commonwealth’s only mandated High Conflict Parenting Education Program at William James College. The course is 9-weeks and focuses on conflict resolution & skill development.
What is a mediator? Hear me answer that and other questions about mediation, high conflict parenting, and divorce.
Grossman & Associates is a full service family law firm that prides itself on going above and beyond for their clients. They attend to the big matters and small matters with same attention and detail that all clients deserve.
If this interview was of interest please check out Ben’s interview with Alan Margulis from the Total Counselor Show on WCRN.
To learn more about divorce mediation or family mediation contact mediator Ben Stich for more information.
How to Divorce in Massachusetts Using Mediation: An Interview on WCRN
I had the great fortune to be interviewed by Attorney Allen Margulis of the Total Counselor Show on WCRN on July 31st about how to divorce in Massachusetts. During the hour-long interview we discussed the different ways to get divorced in Massachusetts, with a particularly emphasis on divorce mediation.
I shared one of my favorite mediation stories: Two parents came to me after spending six figures on their contested divorce process without any progress…and resolved the entire divorce in under $5,000 total mediation fees!
In addition to the financial and time benefits to mediation we discussed at length the destructive impact parental conflict has on child well-being, and how mediation can help parents craft great parenting plans. We also reviewed the role mediation can play to help with a range of family conflicts outside the context of divorce.
I hope you enjoy listening to three of the segments I have linked below!
Segment 1: How to Divorce in Massachusetts
Segment 2: How to Divorce in Massachusetts
Segment 3: How to Divorce in Massachusetts
A big thank you to Allen for hosting me on the show. Attorney Margulis is a respected Estate, Tax, Real Estate and Business Planning. Allen considers himself a tax-centric lawyer. He provides his clients with a complete and comprehensive strategic plan aimed at achieving their goals and objectives. He dedicates himself to providing all of his clients with superior service. Allen has 26 years experience in tax and accounting and 16 years in law. To contact Attorney Margulis click here.
For a free mediation consultation with mediator Ben Stich click here.
Mediators Can Help HIGH Conflict: Fact or Fiction?
People tell me “I want to refer someone to you but they are really high conflict so there’s no way mediation could work for them.”
Then, I take a deep breathe, resist the urge to say something like “that doesn’t make sense!” and ask them to tell me about the situation.
FICTION: Mediators only works for couples who are amicable.
FACT: Mediation is a structured process that helps people in conflict come to resolution.
Mediators Say, Bring on the Conflict!
Divorcing spouses who hate each other?
Yup.
Co-parents who not have spoken face-to-face in years.
Yes.
Teenagers who “hate” their parents?
Uh-huh, that too.
Mediation is all about resolving conflict! Low conflict, high conflict, and everything in between.
Can mediation resolve all disputes? Of course not. But it sure can more than the public realizes.
Divorce Mediation Fiction
Conventional thinking about mediation is that it can’t work because the parties are:
- Too combative
- All about blame
- Unwilling to consider another point of view
- Resentful and vindictive
And this is just a sampling.
Challenging dynamics for sure.
Family Mediation Fact
I recently mediated a case with all those factors in play.
After nine months of paying attorneys thousands of dollars to try to settle and prepare for a trial these clients had made no progress. Not even one itty-bitty agreement.
As a last ditch effort to avoid a drawn-out ugly and exorbitantly expensive trial they tried mediation. The wife walked in and started the session by announcing that she has no confidence in the process, and this will likely be the first — and last — session.
Not an ideal starting point!
The tension was palpable.
It took some time, and lots of structure and intervention from me, but slowly they started to hear each other. They started to increase understanding of one another (NOTE: understanding is different than agreeing!). What started with hostility and blame often shifted to listening and problem-solving. And they started making decisions.
And the mediation fact is they successfully divorced.
The first step of any effective mediation must be two (or more) parties’ voluntary engagement in the process. Once engaged, family and divorce mediators have the skills and experience required to help folks navigate their disputes.
Mediators facilitate safe, constructive communication by:
- Creating a safe and structured physical environment
- Modelling and teaching effective communication skills
- Helping clients stay calm
- Guiding clients toward mutually satisfactory problem-solving (click here to learn more about positions and interests)
- Teaching effective proposal-making approaches
- and more….
Mediator Facts Matter…
My favorite mediations are those involving a high conflict situation. It’s when I have the greatest positive impact for my clients, and their children (if they have any).
In the end, having a skilled mediator increases the chances the parties will be able to:
- Remain the decision-makers in their own dispute (particularly important with child-related matters)
- Save a lot of money
- Save a lot of time
- Save a lot of heartache going through an adversarial litigation process
- Improve their communication
- Decrease long-term conflict
- Move forward with certainty about the outcome of their conflict
- Repair some or all of the relationship
- And when children are involved, develop much better child-centered parenting plans (stay tuned for an upcoming post on mediating with parents in a high conflict relationship)
The FACT of the matter is this: Mediation IS an effective model for resolving high conflict disputes.
The Assumption Trap | Lessons from Family Mediation Services
I often find inspiration for posts from my family mediation services. But the reality is that communication lessons are present everyday if we pay attention.
A friend of mine was venting to me recently about his mother-in-law.
He is a videographer.
Exceptionally talented, award-winning, and creative.
He has made a great career creating marketing materials for well-recognized businesses, producing large corporate training programs and webinars, and teaching video production at the college level.
His mother-in-law recently worked on a personal project developing a retrospective video for her husband in honor of their 50th wedding anniversary.
She sought video clips and photos from all her friends and family, vowing secrecy along the way.
Her previous experience editing was limited to using the red-eye feature on her phone camera. In other words, she was a video production rookie trying to create a high-quality production.
Where Our Thoughts Interfere…
My friend was insulted she had not sought his support.
As he talked about this some of his internal dialogue became clear:
After all these years she still doesn’t trust me…
What do I need to do to be respected by her…
How dare she talk about how hard it is in front of me — what gall…
I asked if he offered to help. He felt strongly that he should not impose. If she truly wanted his help she’d ask.
I am very close with his mother-in-law. Shortly after this conversation I happened to be with her and asked if her son-in-law had helped with the video.
She was insulted he had not offered to assist.
As she talked about this some of her internal dialogue became clear:
He is so self-centered…
I can’t believe he can’t take five minute to help after all we’ve done to welcome him in to this family…
And he knows I’m struggling — he really must not like me…
He was surprised she hadn’t asked for his help.
She would love his help but didn’t want to put him in an uncomfortable position.
Two sides to the same coin.
Lessons Learned from Family Mediation Services
They both made quick assumptions based on interpretations of the other’s actions.
Interpretations that assume the worst. Assumptions that fueled with time develop resentment, anger and hurt.
Unfortunately, I see this dynamic play out in my family mediation services work regularly. Both parties making wild assumptions and applying negative meaning, often unfairly, without first checking their assumptions.
Had she originally approached him and said something like, “I know you’re really busy. I don’t want to add more work to your plate. Can you give me any advice on who I can reach out to help me with my project?”
He would have then helped, or given her a good resource. And perhaps he didn’t want to help — but at least this would then be based on information, not guess-work.
Likewise, had he originally approached her and said something like “I don’t want to intrude but just so you know if I can help in any way just let me know.”
Then, she could have taken him up on her offer, or not — again, at least his conclusions would be based on information, not guess-work.
The narratives we have in our head are sometimes right on. And sometimes not!
While there are many strategies to avoid drawing assumptions, here are three:
- Ask clarifying questions before drawing conclusions
- Remember there are always two sides of the story, that have merit from each person’s world view perspective
- If necessary, get help from a third party to broker the communication
Avoid the assumption trap!
Dealing With Divorce Can Be Easier When You Think Like a Kindergartener
I am always trying to find a unique twist for my posts.
Something that sets my ideas apart.
Thinking about this post, common expressions I hear from parents in mediation kept running through my mind.
Statements like:
He’s so demanding.
She’s so controlling.
He’s rude.
She’s bossy.
Hmmm…I wonder what mind-blowing advice I could provide about dealing with divorce?
Ideas for Dealing with Divorce Co-Parenting Issues
I was discussing this with my wife and throwing out ideas.
Should I write about active listening skills, I asked?
Or the difference between positions and interests?
Perhaps a post about relationship boundaries?
She turned and gave me the most jaw-dropping, duh-why-didn’t-I-think-of-that answer.
A topic I had never even considered.
Something so obvious, so universal, that we take its power for granted.
So What Did She Say Already?
How about how to be polite?
You know, say please and thank you more.
And you know what, as I paused to think about her suggestion, mediation after mediation flashed through my mind.
I thought of a mother wishing the father would show appreciation and thank her for making sure their child honored him every Father’s Day.
I thought of a bitter and resentful father who wished the mother would politely suggest, rather than demand, decisions that were hers to legally make.
I thought of an email exchange where one parent graciously deferred to the other parent’s idea, and then later blew up because she was never thanked.
That’s right, the “magic words” that we learned in pre-school, please & thank you, hold such power and influence that they can make or break a relationship!
Why Kindergarteners can be “Smarter” than Adults Dealing with Divorce!
We teach our five year olds to say “thank you” after someone does something kind for them.
We implore them to appreciate kindness.
We chastise them when they forget, mumble, or complain.
Yet, adults overlook kindness all the time.
And sadly, the longer the relationship, more is taken for granted, and less appreciation is acknowledged.
In marriages this dynamic can slowly erode warmth, and lead to resentment.
In co-parenting relationships, this can scuttle efforts to work together for the benefit of the children.
How to be as Smart as a Kindergartener
Just as I have seen relationships deteriorate when basic niceties are missing, I have seen efforts to show more courtesy strengthen the most strained relationships.
I think of a defensive mother who opened up to collaboration after her co-parent started the mediation by thanking her for helping out last week.
I think of an impatient father slow down after his wife politely asked him to be patient with her during the mediation session.
I think of a resentful husband write an email more carefully after he received a surprisingly respectful email from his divorced wife.
3 Adult Strategies for Implementing the “Magic Words”
1. Avoid presumptions and entitlement.
Just because someone does something nice on a regular basis does not mean it should be expected, or go unnoticed. If your wife stays at home alone with the kids every Thursday so you can play cards with the boys, thank her…every Thursday.
2. Avoid relationship laziness.
If you need something from upstairs you can either tell your eight year old to go get it, or you can ask him to please go get it. The former conveys that being bossy and controlling is the norm; the latter engenders goodwill and conveys that respect is a core value of positive relationships.
3. Avoid assumptions.
Do not assume that your co-parent knows that you appreciate how hard she’s working to make ends meet. Tell her. Regularly.
As kindergarteners have been told for generations, remember to mind your P’s and Q’s.
Please.
Thank you.
Please comment below — I would love to hear from you!
LINKEDIN USERS: LinkedIn does not have the capability for your comments on LinkedIn groups to appear on the original blog post. If you are commenting on a LinkedIn group would you mind copying the comment directly on to the blog so my other readers who might be dealing with divorce can benefit from your ideas and reactions? Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
Is All Fair in Love and War? Lessons for Marriages, Divorce, and Separation Agreements
Common separation agreement ideas:
“We’ll just split things down the middle. That’s just the fair thing to do.”
“We just want to be fair so we’ll add it all up and split it 50/50.”
These are reasonable ideas.
But does that mean they are “fair?”
What Do You Mean? Of Course it Does!
Does fairness mean things need to be equal?
Many think so.
If that’s the case then why do golfers follow the USGA Handicap System?
Why let some kids use training wheels longer than others?
Or, why do educators modify classroom instruction for kids who have trouble learning?
Interestingly, these are unequal ways of creating fairness for golfers and children.
Yeah, But You Can’t Compare Biking to Divorce and Marriage
Actually, you can.
Do you know what often happens when families see fairness as equality?
Problems!
The reality is that we are all different.
We have different temperaments. Different strengths. Different weaknesses.
We also have different needs.
Let’s take the example of a divorcing couple’s home.
It is common for a separation agreement to stipulate a sale of the marital home. I often hear, for example, that it’s “only fair” to sell the house, pay off the mortgage, and split the profit 50/50.
This certainly is equal.
But is it “fair” if the wife has no alternative living situation, she will still not have enough for a new apartment or down-payment on a condo, and the husband is moving in with his parents at no cost?
Both need a place to live. One has a no-cost option, and one has a high-cost option that will accrue debt. In this case, it might be “fair” for the wife to keep the house, and to split the other assets in a different manner.
It’s not equal, but it sure seems fair.
So What About the Marriage Part?
Is it fair if your spouse goes out with her friends one night per week when you only go out once a month?
Maybe, if her friends are important to her and she’ll get stuff off her chest.
Is it fair for your spouse to go camping with boys for a weekend while you stay at home with the kids?
Maybe, if it re-charges his batteries.
Is it fair for your spouse to spend more on clothes this year than you?
Maybe, if her size changed and she just got a new job.
OK, OK…But What Does This Have To Do With a Separation Agreement?
Everything.
After all, the Massachusetts divorce laws stipulate that the court will use a standard called “equitable division.” This does not mean that your things have to be divided exactly in half, but it does mean that the decision has to be fair.
Wait? I thought things HAD TO BE EQUAL in order to be fair!
Fair does NOT mean equal.
Fair DOES mean giving people what they need to be successful.
Bottom Line…
Trying to make equal decisions in marriages and divorces is possible.
But probably won’t get you what you need.
Trying to make fair and reasonable decisions in marriages and divorces might be harder.
But it will improve communication, decrease resentment, and far more likely give you both what you need.
Give it a shot.
After all, that would only be the fair thing to do.
Please share by commenting below — I’d love to hear from you!
LINKEDIN USERS: LinkedIn does not have the capability for your comments on LinkedIn groups to appear on the original blog post. If you are commenting on a LinkedIn group would you mind copying the comment directly on to the blog so my other readers can benefit from your ideas and reactions? Thank you, thank you, thank you!!