Archive for month: April, 2014

Frustrated African American man apologizing to woman after quarrel

5 Steps to a Great Apology

Ever receive an apology that didn’t feel apologetic?

Left you feeling worse?

Angrier?

Infuriated?

In mediation — and in life — I see apologies of all shapes, sizes and colors.

Some feel authentic and cathartic.

Some feel compulsory and meaningless.

Some feel passive-aggressive and irritating.

And some downright hurtful.

“I’m sorry you feel that way”

I remember a parenting mediation. They found one another detestable. If not for their daughter they would be non-existent in each other’s lives, or enemies.

To their credit, they were using mediation to focus on co-parenting. They knew that fostering a positive relationship with each parent took precedence over their petty grievances.

At one point the father violated an agreement made during a previous session.

He listened, respectfully, as she angrily conveyed her disgust. When she was done he said,

I hear you. I’m sorry you feel that way.

You could hear a pin drop.

He felt he showed monumental restraint by listening without defending his actions, and apologizing.

She almost blew a gasket.

What happened?

How to make a bad apology

In this case, the father apologized for how she felt, not for what he did.

This felt dismissive to the mother.

He apologized without taking responsibility.

Which is really a non-apology apology!

If you have ever apologized in any of the following ways, it’s possible that you are an ineffective apologizer:

  • “I’m sorry but you also…” (click here to learn why the word “but” is so unhelpful)
    • “But” minimizes the apology
  • Apologizing when you don’t mean it
    • The other person will always know if it’s not genuine
  • “I didn’t mean to upset you…”
    • The impact of something can be hurtful even if the intention was not

Steps to an effective apology using family conflict management strategies

1. Determine if you regret what you did

Do not apologize to get something.

Do not apologize to get the person off your back.

Do not apologize because someone else wants you too.

Apologize because you are remorseful.

This is the only way your apology will feel authentic.

2. Start by expressing remorse using an “I” statement:

  • “I’m sorry that…”
  • “I apologize for…”

3. Take responsibility for what you did without justification or blame

  • “I’m sorry that I was late…”
  • “I apologize for losing my temper and yelling at you…”

4. Empathize with how your actions made the other person feel

  • “I’m sorry that I was late. I can see how that upset you and make it difficult for you to make plans…”
  • “I apologize for losing my temper and yelling at you. I imagine that made you angry — I would have been angry if you did that to me.”

5. Make amends to rectify the situation

  • “I’m sorry that I was late. I can see how that upset you and made it difficult for you to make plans. Next time I’ll leave fifteen minutes earlier, and call you the second there might even be a chance of me being late…”
  • “I apologize for losing my temper and yelling at you. I imagine that made you angry — I would have been angry if you did that to me. I’ll make sure I’m calm before talking about stuff like this with you next time…”

Back to my angry parents and the pin-drop silence…

I let the silence linger.

Then, I turned to the father and asked, “why do you think she is upset?”

It took a few moments and some deep breathes.

And then he explained, in his own words, how she viewed his actions and why it was distressing.

I turned next to the mother and asked, “do you feel he understands where you are coming from?” She grudgingly answered that he did.

I summarized the situation, and asked the husband how he wanted to address her concerns.

He looked at the mother and said, “I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you first about what bothered me. I understand how that broke our agreement. I won’t do it again. Next time if I have too I will call an emergency mediation session if I am that concerned with what our daughter tells me.”

And here’s the magical part.

She looked him in the eye and said, “thank you.”

The tension in the room immediately lifted.

Their body language relaxed.

There was an extended pause.

And they moved forward.

The power of an effective apology.

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Letter D in black stone block

Should I Get A Divorce? Why Talking About Your Reasons For Divorce Might Be A Game Changer

Sometimes the hardest conversations, the ones we dread the most, provide the greatest opportunity for growth and change in a relationship. I thought about this after chatting with a friend about a tough time with her husband.

For her, the “D” word changed everything.

That’s right. I’m talking about Divorce.

What a loaded word!

It is fraught with meanings and emotions. While considering if she wanted a divorce she was overcome with questions like:

Should I get a divorce? Do I want a divorce? If I bring up divorce will things get worse? How will he react?

The decision to have the first divorce talk is hard. My friend had confided in her closest friend and her counselor. But uttering the word to her partner for the first time?

Wham! A game-changer.

The BIG Question: Should I Get A Divorce?

When the “D” word is on the table the proverbial pink elephant in the room is front and center.

My friend feared that bringing up the dreaded “D” word signaled the beginning of the end. And often it is.

Talking about divorce is often followed by many other uncomfortable “D” words: defensiveness; dumbfounded; debate; debacle; desperation; dagger; destitute; dark; denial…and for many couples once those negative “D” words are stated or felt the marriage is doomed.

But does a talk about divorce have to lead to a path of despair and destruction?

What if the big bad “D” word was followed by a different set of “D” words?

What If I Am Not Sure If I Want a Divorce?

How could you know for sure if this is the first time ever broaching the subject (exceptions like domestic violence aside)?

Imagine if the divorce talk involved more positive “D” words like dialogue, deference; dignity; discourse; delicate; discussion…

Having a talk about divorce does not have to mean doom for a marriage.

In fact, it can serve as an opportunity – a defining moment.

So What Happened When My Friend Asking, “Should I Get a Divorce?”

For some couples, parting ways is the best resolution.

To my friend’s great relief, however, the initial divorce conversation opened up the channels of communication for her and her husband. Her husband recognized that by raising the idea of divorce, his wife was really saying, “I am really hurting and feel hopeless about our relationship…”

Talking about the reasons for divorce served as a catalyst for repair and healing.

They realized they still had love for one another.

The repair work can be painfully difficult nevertheless — and was for my friend.

She found that healing her marriage required replacing the negative “D” words with ones that were more productive.

Defensiveness, for example, was replaced with dialogue. Denial replaced with deliberation and discussion.

How Can I Put Aside All Those Big Bad “D” Words When I Have All These Reasons For Divorce?

Some, like my friend and her husband, seek the assistance of a therapist to deal with unresolved personal issues that are contributing to the marital conflict.

Others are putting in more effort to listen to one another.

Some work with a professional marital mediator to help them communicate more effectively and solve problems. (To learn more about the differences between marital mediation and couples therapy click here.)

If the big “D” word is spoken in your marriage think carefully before reacting. Do you want the conversation dominated by big bad “D” words? Or, do you want to shift the focus to more hopeful “D” words?

Your decision might save your marriage from the big “D”!

Please REPLY below if there have been times in your life when a difficult conversation led to a positive opportunity for growth or opportunity?

LINKEDIN USERS: LinkedIn does not have the capability for your comments on LinkedIn groups to appear on the original blog post. If you are commenting on a LinkedIn group would you mind copying the comment directly on to the blog so my other readers can benefit from your ideas and reactions? Thank you, thank you, thank you!!